Rants from a bored mom

I am tired. I am scared. I am frustrated. My life feels like it is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like there is one thing I can change and everything will be better.

Last night, Alex went to talk to A1, A2, and GM. A1 has no desire to be at our house at all. She doesn’t even want to be there for #1’s birthday dinner on Saturday or #4’s baptism on Sunday. #2 wanted to come over tonight and hang out tomorrow for a bit, if things went ok, she would stay the night so she could go to the baptism (because even though we made sure she knew about this important event, GM made plans to leave for the lake until Monday). Then, Alex got a call from A2 this morning. Now she does not want to come over tonight and doesn’t know about tomorrow. Just now he tells me that both girls might be there tomorrow at about 11. I am so sick and tired of the back and forth with those two girls. It’s not like it is just this situation either. They are always like that.

When Alex talked to me about the conversation at GM’s house, I lost it. I know there is nothing I can do to change things, and that scares me. I know he loves me. I know that he wants our family, but how long will he want me there when me and mine are what is standing between him and his girls?

Alex has been so far away from me the last couple of days. Has made a few references to me leaving him. He will make some comment and when I ask what because either I didn’t hear it or I didn’t understand, I get a “nothing.” It frustrates me and pisses me off every single time. I was there for him through one of the worst times of his life. I left law school so he could be home. I cared for his every need. If I didn’t leave then, I am not going to leave now. I tried life without him, I did not like it. I feel him shutting down on me again and it scares me. I am so scared I am going to lose him.

#4’s meeting with the pastor was on Wednesday. KD didn’t show. I don’t know why I was surprised, he didn’t contact her for her birthday on Tuesday (and neither did his parents. For that matter, outside of our house no one called her except my dad). When he texted the kids on Wednesday, he didn’t even say anything about her birthday. #1 keeps making excuses for him. He told her that he will be at #4’s baptism on Sunday, we shall see. I hope then she realizes how little he cares. Sunday is such a big day for #4. I was hoping it would be a whole family event, so was she, but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t know if KD will be there, I don’t know if his parents will be there, my mom said she probably wouldn’t make it, my aunt said she thinks she will be able to bring Grandma, M&R (a couple from Alex’s work that we have grown very close to) are coming. Other than that? I will make this a big deal for her, just like I did for the other three. I chose her life verse from Philemon 1:7 (MSG version). I will stand up there like the proud momma that I am and show her that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her.

image

All the while, I have been trying to find a venue for the reception. I think we were both thinking it would be at home in the back yard. Then I thought, oh it is in October, back yard probably won’t work. So, in an effort to keep it as inexpensive as possible, I have called every place I can possibly think of. Have a list going of venues, possible guests, and a possible invitation. So, in spite of all of this I still have hope that we will make it to our wedding and be by his side forever.

Advertisements

Tired, scared, and frustrated

Nativity

Nativity (Photo credit: RyaTur)

As a Christian, I should love Christmas. This is the day we are supposed to celebrate the birth of our Lord. I used to like Christmas. Family, being together, baked goods, all of it. Then I became an adult. Christmas sucks. I hate the pressure. I hate not caring what is on my kids’ Christmas lists because I know I can’t get any of it. I hate hearing about what other people are getting people for Christmas. I hate hearing about everyone’s plans. My Christmases used to be big family ordeals, no matter which parent I was with. Now, I’m alone. The kids are supposed to be with KD, but I haven’t heard anything yet about what is planned. Shocking. If I have the kids, it will jsut be the five of us and our pathetic Christmas. If I don’t have them, I will be with Alex and the girls. Hopefully, it either way, it won’t be a day like the rest of my days have been. Long, lonely, and disappointing. I have been refusing to decorate and I will continue to refuse unless I find out that KD is bailing on the kids, then I will be trying to make up for his failures, again.

I am so scared that I am going to turn around and Alex will be gone. I hear women at work ask their friends, “What’s wrong with me?” when they go through a break-up. I don’t have to ask. I know what is wrong with me. I’m not sure I would want to date me. I have 4 kids who have no respect for anyone; I have an ex-husband that causes more drama than its worth; I can’t hardly support myself; I am needy; I am negative; I am a hopeless romantic; I want to be independent, but I want to be cared for… If I came across a guy with the baggage I have, I would run. Why deal with all the drama in my life if you don’t have to? If I could run from it, some days I think I would. Other days, I remember that one day I will look back and be able to say that I am a better person because of what I have endured. I just wish I could catch a break.

I am scared that when Alex and the girls come over this weekend, it will fail and then the three of them will see the five of us as a lost cause. I am already losing A1. I don’t want to lose them all, but I want for them to be happy. I hate seeing them unhappy. I hate not being able to live up to their needs, wants, and expectations.

I am scared about this car situation. I don’t know what I am going to do about it. It would be so much easier if the kids were in public school, or if their dad wasn’t a fucktard. But I guess if he wasn’t one, he wouldn’t be my ex-husband.

I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping well for a while now and I don’t know what to do about it.

I am frustrated with KD’s lack of communication and cooperation. Why can’t he see that by trying to make life difficult on me, he is hurting the kids? Why is everyone letting him get away with this crap??

I just want to close my eyes and when I open them…respectful children, KD being cooperative, Alex loving and my baggage (because it makes me who I am), family that cares, friends, a car that runs, the ability to work full-time…

My day will come. When it does I will stand up and tell all who have doubted me (including myself) that I did it in spite of them. I will be happy one day.

Church

For those of us that believe in God and Jesus, our church home is supposed to be a place of peace. I began going to this church when #3 was born and I was living with KD’s parents because they were the foster parents and this was their church. That was July of 2004. In April 2005, I was baptized and officially joined the church. I felt comfortable here. I felt accepted. We have been semi-regular attenders since.

When KD and I split it was hard to come, but I made sure I came most Sundays that I had the children. I started to feel uncomfortable because they all knew us as a family. KD’s parents, his mom especially, is very involved. KD always discouraged me from being more involved because of the time. Of course, I listened to him.

Today, our church commissioned our new deacons and elders. One of them was KD’s mom. I do not know how to feel about it. I do know that it decreased my comfort level ten fold.

I already felt uncomfortable about going to our church for help and comfort since the divorce. Now, it’s worse. What do I do?

20130512-104717.jpg

I hate trying to title these

Well, the Guradian ad Litem was approved and KD gets to have supervised visits with #1 again. We are not going back to a full 50/50 with her, but he does get her on the same weekends that he gets the other three. It is all still supervised by his mom at his house

The meeting with the principal was horrible. I always feel like a failure when I go into these meetings and he has a way of making it worse. #3 is on his last straw at school. #2 got the lecture that when he is with me, he is the man of the house and he needs to start acting like it. Then, when it was just the principal and I, I got the lecture that nothing will get better for my kids until I make sure that I am right with God. Like I don’t already feel guilty for all that my kids are going through? Really? I already know that if I had just stayed in my miserable marriage, my kids would not be going through all that they are. I know, it is all my fault that my kids are the way they are and that their “home life is a wreck.” Yes, he said that to me. Like I am not aware that our life is less than ideal?

On to the positive portion, #3’s teacher did say that he has been doing better about getting his homework done. #1 was one of three kids to get 100% on her last math test, I am so proud of her. Both boys are doing well academically. #2 is still having a hard time with math, but he is at grade level with reading and language.

At work, my supervisor is going to work on getting some of my tardies invalidated so that it does not look like I have quite so many occurances (absences and tardies). This will help in my desire to move up. However, until I can figure out something for the boys after school, I still cannot change my schedule.

My classes are going really well. I am getting good grades in all of them. I had a hard time on the legal grammar and punctuation test, but that was because I realized that I did not even read the lecture on it. OOPS.

I have made it through the first section of my LSAT prep book. My attorney told me that he did not even prep for it. He just went in and took the test.

I don’t know what to do about Alex, A1, and A2. The girls are taking not seeing me as much pretty hard. A1 called me tonight and asked if they could come over and I told her to ask Alex. He told her no because it was already 6 and it was a school night. She lost it. I have been missing them too, so much. The not knowing when I would see them next makes not seeing them even harder. I got #4 and #3 showered and in bed. #2 and #1 were watching a show and then were going to go to bed at 8 (30 minutes after I left). That is when the calls started. #3 spilled water on #2’s bed. #4 was whinning that she heard noises. #2 was yelling at the neighbors because they were being too loud. #4 wanted to sleep with #1. No one would just go to bed. I raced home. It was amazing. Within 10 minutes of me being home, it was silent and everyone was asleep. Alex feels guilty. I told him not to. I love his girls as much as I love my own. I am the one that feels guilty because I have not tried. #1 and I could have gone out there last Wednesday when he had them. I feel guilty because I was the one that pushed to meet them. I should have just left it alone. The girls would have been better off. I don’t want them to see him as the bad guy in this. He has done this for them. He does everything for them. Those girls are his world. That is one of the things I love so dearly about him, his love for his girls.

I told him today that he does not understand how high he has raised the bar for what I want. I love that he has goals, he has a job career, he is smart, he is kind, he is loving, he is dedicated, he is honest, he is fun-loving, he is gorgeous, he loves his girls, he has high standards for them and himself, he is amazing in bed, he is caring, his smile lights up the room, he is genuine, he listens, he cares, he makes me laugh, he makes me smile wtihout even being with me, he wants those around him to be happy, his touch gives me goosebumps, he still cares about both of his exwives and still treats them with respect, my kids like and respect him, and so many other things.

I don’t want to let go because I am afraid that I will never find that again. I am afraid that I will lose his friendship. I am being selfish. I am trying not to be. I really want him and the girls to be happy. They deserve to be happy. Isn’t that waht it means to love someone? Wanting them to be happy, even if it hurts you? That is what I want. I want him to find the woman that him and the girls deserve to have.

How are you?

How are you? What a loaded question. What’s wrong? That question can be just as bad. The problem is that you are not sure if the person asking really wants to know, but you don’t want to lie to them either.

20130414-092216.jpg

When Alex came home last weekend, I felt like things were good. We spent Monday together. He stopped by for just a hug Tuesday after he got out of class. He was sending me sweet little messages at work and on my phone. Thursday night, he spent the night at my place. Friday all eight of us had dinner and watched a movie together. He even invited us over yesterday. Then last night came and all of a sudden we are back to “I can’t handle it.” “I’m sorry that I can’t be enough, that I can’t be strong enough. I can’t handle all the kids. The ball is in your court” is the last text I got last night. I responded to him every time something came to my mind.

I just don’t know what to do. I love him and want him happy. I even told him, “The kids overwhelm you and you don’t know what to do about it. You want me, just not all that it entails. You love me, you love us, you just can’t get past my four kids.” I was not holding anything back last night.

Was texting with friend after Alex went to sleep and realized that not even a Mike’s hard lemonade and chocolate chips were helping. In fact, I even said that to CE. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, but I didn’t know where to start.

I resent KD for all that he has done to steal my happiness. I was never supposed to be in this position. I was supposed to live happily ever after. I used to have the well-behaved kids that got compliments when we were out.

Sitting in church, half listening to the sermon and realize he is talking about worry. Go figure.

Started the process of applying for law school this week. Registered with the LSAC. Filled out the fee waiver. Found out that the local law school has a joint program with another local university in which I could get my MSW and my JD at the same time if accepted to both programs and the dual program. Alex started the process of applying to get his Masters in Adult Education. I am so proud of him. His goals and motivation are so attractive to me.

I feel so much anger in my heart. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel stuck. I feel alone. I feel afraid. I feel unloved. I feel like a failure.

How are you? What’s wrong? Would you answer those questions honestly?

20130414-095108.jpg

Failing, yet again

I bought a bluetooth keyboard for my tablet and it works for my phone too. That means should be able to post more often.

Despite an amazingly rough week, I am feeling pretty good right now. I have all six kids here tonight. Right now, they are all upstairs making a tent for them all to sleep in tonight. I am curious to find out how well it will go.My guess is that #4 will end up in her own bed. They are all getting along great, but Alex would be going nuts if he was here because they are definitely not quiet. It is not bothering me because they are not fighting and they are having fun together.

Had to make another CPS report this week. KD gave #1 a bloody nose on Wednesday morning. She told me about it as soon as she got off the bus and I immediately called to make the report. On Thursday, I convinced her to tell a teacher. This turned into her having to tell the principal. Since they are mandatory reporters, this resulted in another report. Then after making some calls, I called and filed a police report. An officer met me at the school and asked me questions, but since #1 is under 12, someone trained to interview children under 12 has to it. The officer said he would file his report and we would hear back.

I called the social worker (same one) and found out that since there is one safe parent (me), they cannot do much. So, once again, I tried to file a restraining order. It was denied because I did not have a statement from law enforcement or CPS. I notified the social worker and she told me that the case had been assigned to a detective, but the detective is out until next week. Really?

After school, #1 was complaining that her nose still hurt so I scheduled her a doctor appointment for Friday morning. I waited until Friday morning to tell KD that I had even made the appointment. Of course he showed up. He also brought his mother. I tried to object to her going into the room with us, but no one listened to me. The doctor asked her what happened to her nose. She told her that it got hit. The doctor asked with what. #1 said a hand. The doctor told her not to make her pry it out of her and then asked who’s hand. #1 pointed to KD and said “his.” The doctor spun around and asked KD when it happened. “As far as I know it didn’t.” Then he told the doctor that I had tried to get a restraining order but it was denied. The doctor looked at me and I told her that #1 had told me as soon as she got off the bus on Wednesday. The doctor sent everyone, except #1 to another room so she could talk to her alone. Next thing I knew, the doctor was calling me into her office. She asked what #1 had told me. I told her and the doctor said that it matched what #1 had told her. Then she said she was going to send KD and his mom to the waiting room and take me in while she did a full physical on #1. Then she called the social worker and told her that she did not want #1 to go back there. The social worker told her to call law enforcement. The doctor did. However, law enforcement told her there was not enough physical evidence to do anything. The doctor was unhappy to say the least.

I feel like I am failing my kids by not being able to protect them from KD.

Alex hasn’t gotten any less far away. I love him and want him to be happy, but I cannot promise him mellow anytime soon.

Today, I asked if he wants me there tomorrow when he gets home from class. This was our conversation:

20130217-215356.jpg

“I Shall Believe”

Since I first started this blog, my policy has been to type and hit publish. I do not go back and read it until it has been posted, and usually not even then because I am afraid I will censor myself if I go back and read it. Well, yesterday I learned that maybe I should go back and read it, or at least scan it, before I hit publish. I was so emotionally wrapped up in KD yesterday that I actually referred to Alex as KD in my post. Alex was kind enough not to point it out until last night when we were laying in bed and I was spilling my emotions. As soon as he fel asleep, I fixed it. I was going to write another post last night, but again, I hate doing it from my phone and I was not going to get out of the bed. I was really hoping that I would actually sleep. I was wrong. I think that between 11 and 7:30, I got about 3 hours of sleep, maybe.I did finally share with Alex how I was feeling, but it really did not help because he did not say anything to me. This has pretty much been the story lately. He says that he doesn’t “know what to do, think, say, be right now…” How am I supposed to respond to that? I feel like he is trying to push me away. We have always said that we would talk to each other, even if we did not think the other one would like what we have to say. We have both been really bad about this lately and that scares me. I do not want to get to the point where we just don’t talk at all.

I was honest with him and told him that he hurt my feelings last night. When we went on our ride last Sunday, we discussed another ride this Sunday that included a butte in the area where I grew up. I have been looking forward to it all week. Last night we were sitting on the couch and he basically told me the trip had been extended and I was not invited. That was painful. Today he told me it was because he did not know if I was up for a 9+ hour ride and that he “kind of needed some space.” I told him I “would have enjoyed it. Especially since I was the one that suggested it. Have fun.”

If I had the money and the trust in my van, I would run away for the weekend. Alex has class all day on Saturday and his ride on Sunday and I don’t have the kids. However, I don’t have the money or the trust in my van. So, I guess I will just hang out at home all weekend and do nothing. It is supposed to be nice out, maybe I will take my Kindle, my music, lunch, put on shorts and a tanktop and hang out at the park. I don’t know.

Called my mom this morning on the way to work because I was feeling emotional and needed someone to talk to and she seems to be my go-to for that lately. Spilled my guts and emotions to her. Got to work and was crying so hard that I sat in the van for like 20 minutes. I calmed down, went inside, sat down, started to log in, and started crying again. It was decided that I did not need to be on the phones and I got sent home. If I had enough gas, I would have ran to my mom’s, but again that idea was a failure due to funds. So, I hung out with BFF all day. Spilled my guts and my emotions to her all day. It was kind of a nice escape, to a point.

Now, I am sitting at Alex’s waiting for him to get done with school so that I can see him. I should probably go to bed, but I really want him to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. My favorite songs lately have been I Shall Believe by Sheryl Crow, F**kin’ Perfect by Pink, and Head over Feet by Alanis Morissette. It is amazing how one song can totally change a mood. Sometimes, I just put on F**kin’ Perfect and my attitude is completely different.

Have been arguing with KD all day via email. Between his weekends, Labor Day, and his birthday, I feel like I am missing a big chunk of time with the kids. So, I asked KD if I could have a few hours with the kids on this Saturday. He offered for me to keep them from 1:00 PM on Saturday until 11:15 AM on Sunday. First, I told him that I did not want to take the time away from their planned weekly time with his parents because this is what they have done for years. He repeated that I could have them for the whole time, or not all. So, I told him that I did not plan to go to church so I would just drop them off when the service started. He said no, all or none. This was how I responded…

And you wonder why I wanted a divorce in the first place? I am tired of your my way or the highway routine. We need to be able to compromise on things if we are going to what is best for our children.

I just have no desire to go to church and listen to them make me feel guilty while I get the funny looks from everyone. I know that I need to work on my faith, but I do not understand how I can keep getting piled with so much s**t if there is a higher power that supposedly loves me so much.

Then, I got a call from #1 just before 6:00 telling me that she had missed the bus after volleyball and could not get ahold of KD. I grabbed BFF’s car and headed to the school. On my way, I texted KD to let him know. He told me that he would get her. I said that was fine, but I was almost to the school and so I would sit there with her until he got there. He called me on the phone and threatened me with a contempt of court and threatened to call the cops because it is his week and I have no business being there. I told him that it does not matter who’s week it is, if that parent cannot be gotten in touch with, it is the other parent’s responsibility to take care of it. As soon as he got to the school, I got in the car and left because my job was done.

Well, I guess it is about time for me to be done with this now and relax on the couch. I think I am going to cue up a tv show on Netflix, or see if there is anything on tv to watch and work on #2’s blanket. His is the last of the four and then I can start on the blankets for A1 and A2.

 

Negativity And Forgiveness

This is going to shock you. Somedays, I miss KD. I miss the good times. Don’t get me wrong, I would never go back to him. I just know that we were in love at one point and sometimes I wish it wasn’t gone. However, it is gone. Now, I can only hope to learn from it and take it with me.

20120819-225610.jpg

This morning at church, the pastor was talking about forgiveness. These sermons are always the hardest for me because I am really bad about holding a grudge. I know that I need to forgive KD for what he put me through and what he is putting us all through right now. It is hard. I know there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. I just don’t know how to forgive him. Maybe I should go talk to one of the pastors about it. I wonder if that would help me feel better, or figure out how to forgive him.

20120819-225948.jpg

Woke up this morning and realized the van did not get locked last night and my wallet got left in it. My wallet was stolen. For the most part, all my pictures, my social security card, my license, invalid credit and debit cards, Costco card, the kids’ school ids from last year, and more stuff I’m sure I haven’t thought of. Made a police report. Called KD to tell him in case he never changed the debit and credit card numbers after we separated. Have to call the credit bureaus tomorrow to freeze my credit.

20120819-230730.jpg

Then, I took the last $5 I had (Dad is putting money to help in my account tomorrow) to buy a coffee on my way to church. #2 was picking up #4 and knocked the coffee out of my hand. It hit the ground and busted open all over the floor. Really???

Got home, fed them lunch, put #4 down for a nap, started a movie for the big ones, laid down on the couch and slept for like two and a half hours. BFF and her kids came over for dinner. Put all the kids to bed and cleaned house. Now I am wide awake and sweltering hot. Long week ahead. Better get some sleep.

20120819-231307.jpg

Alex is down tonight. He is missing his family being together. I get it. I just wish he would talk to me instead of shutting down.

20120819-231531.jpg

So tired

Everyday this weekend, I was reminded why I am done, and have been done, with my marriage. #2 told me multiple times that he hates me and wishes I would leave. #1 has informed me that she hates God, doesn’t believe in God, and if He exists, He hates her. This is all without us telling them anything.

Hubby spent all weekend telling me why I can’t do it on my own and pestering me about how I’m going to make it financially. I told him it was none of his business. He told me that the church may throw me out once he decides to talk to the pastor and start going to the divorce recovery group.

At church yesterday, I was stopped by the wife part of an older couple that we used to be close to. She asked how I was doing. I told her I was hanging in there. She asked if I wanted to talk, I said not yet.

Took today off work. Meant to only take a few hours, but screwed up and requested the whole day. Sitting here on Alex’s couch deciding if I will go in to work for a few hours. I would like to have lunch with my Grandma to see if I will be able to borrow the money to get into an apartment and get a few basics, like beds and dressers. I also need to get on the wait list for the apartment. I need to go find somewhere with Internet so I can look for a job too.

Started having belly pains (like bad gas) on Saturday night. Woke up yesterday having it hurt to pee and feeling that constant feeling of having to pee. There was a little blood, but all seems fine today. I am hoping it was a passing UTI, not my kidneys.

Maybe I’ll just lay down for a few minutes.

What now??

I do not know what to think anymore. Do I just continue with my life as it is and pretend I am happy as I have for years? Or do I make a new life for myself and my kids? I do not want to tear their world apart, but I do not want to live unhappy forever.

Alex’s wife finally opened her eyes and wants to work on their relationship. I am happy for him, I really am. I just do not know where that leaves our friendship. That was the last text I got from him, about two hours ago. I have sent him a couple. The last one I sent was that I am happy for him and I am here if he needs me, but I was not going to text him until I hear from him. I want his happiness and I know that he wants more than anything for his marriage to work and his family to stay together. I told him the other night that I can handle being only his friend, but I will need some time and distance to pull my heart back in.

Hubby is kissing up a great deal, but I am wary of how long it will last. He still puts in the little barbs to remind me who is in charge in this relationship. I am afraid to leave because I have no where to go and no money to get into my own place.

Tonight we went to a live drive-thru Nativity scene. I was not into it. I am not into this holiday this year

Time for bed.