I am out of ideas

This is what we have been struggling with a lot lately. We assume the behavior is a cry for attention. However, we don’t want to reward the behavior. The consequences are not working and we are running out of ideas.

We have put a lock on our bedroom door, the pantry, and the freezer because someone is stealing. We do not starve them by any means. I can never pin point which one it actually is because I do not know which of them to actually believe.

It makes us both crabby which in turn makes them crabby which makes this place miserable for everyone. I honestly do not know what to do with any of them.

I feel like I am failing as a parent because I cannot seem to curb their behavior, I don’t know what is wrong with them, and I don’t know how to help them. I feel like I am failing as a wife because I can’t fix it.

I have one last final for this semester and it is tomorrow morning. I am trying to make my page of notes, but I cannot focus since we found out someone got into Alex’s briefcase and stole his cookie sometime today. This is the second time someone has stolen his cookie. Why? I wish I knew. I wish I had some genius ideas, but unfortunately I do not.

I graduate this weekend. I still have another semester left, but I can finally see the finish line and it is so nice. I just wish I wasn’t so nervous about having to leave the children unattended. It should not be a problem for children of their ages. 8-16, they should be fine, but we can’t seem to trust them.

Alex bought me a new/used car today for Graduation/Mother’s Day/my birthday. I love it!

I still don’t know how I got him, or why he chose me, but I am glad he did.

Yes, I know I am rambling, but I am trying to get to a point that I can focus on the last of my notes page. Now, I am exhausted and not sure that I really have anything left to put on it. I still have some space. I may put a little more on some of the cases, but maybe in the morning.

I just don’t know what to do about these kids anymore, I really don’t. I can’t prove who did it. What am I going to do, ground all the ones that were home without us? Oh, wait, that was all of them at some point today, except #2. Why do they keep freaking pulling this shit?!?!

I know Alex reads these so I am scheduling it to publish after both of our days have started. I don’t want it to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up. I love him and I hope he knows that. I hate how much pain and frustration my baggage has brought him.

Falling

Falling

I feel like my life is falling apart. Alex wants nothing to do with me. I am laying right next to him and feel a million miles away from him. I need him, but he’s mad at me.

I am worried about my grandmother. She finally agreed that she needed to be in a retirement home (again). We moved her last week. The staff told me yesterday that she gave notice Tuesday that she will be vacating. Right after they told me, I saw her and gave her every opportunity to tell me and she didn’t. She told #2.tonight and told him not to tell me. He came right home and told me because he’s worried about her. I guess she’s already called movers and told #2 she doesn’t know if she will still be there next week. I talked to my mom. Mom is going to call my grandma’s bank tomorrow and talk to them because they have power of attorney if necessary. I made a report to adult protective service online tonight and will follow up with them in the morning. I will also call her doctor in the morning. I am scared. I am worried about her. She irritates me beyond all belief, but she is still my grandma and I love her.

Alex and I have been fighting about the kids again. We haven’t really talked in the last few days. He goes to bed curled up with his elbows out or his back to me so I can’t even attempt to cuddle him. I need him right now. I feel so alone.

I need a friend. One that isn’t GM. She is great, but I feel pathetic that my only friend is my husband’s ex wife.

Grades come out tomorrow and I’m scared. I’m always scared, but this semester was hard.

I can’t sleep, my brain won’t shut off. I took my medicine 2.5 hours ago and it’s not working.

KD has three new charges and a $25,000 warrant out for his arrest.

#1 is a pain in the rear teen girl, but still helps more than Alex realizes. #2 has a heart of gold, but has been really frustrated this week. #3 is still grounded from his detentions and in school suspension before winter break. A1 is a pain in the rear preteen. A2 is whiny. #4 is energetic and can be annoying.

My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do about any of it.

What a day…

Image result for overwhelmed quotesI will not give up. Giving up is not my nature. I just feel overwhelmed sometimes. My husband won’t talk to me. I am not sure what to think. I know I got a lot off my chest last night in my calm rage. He left this morning and I got a one arm hug.

I got to school this morning and realized I forgot my computer at home. Got a couple pieces of paper from a classmate, went to class, and had an evacuation drill. Went home after class to grab my computer, had to go potty, and headed back to school. Got almost here and realized that I forgot my computer again. I guess I will be taking notes by hand today.

Right now, I am sitting in the computer lab at school so that I can finish my reading and note taking before class so I have less to transfer later. This is why everything I save is save on my OneDrive.

I have class in 3 hours, an upset tummy since yesterday morning, no motivation, and a racing mind. That is not a good combination. Contemplated going for a walk. Hoping that would help, but not even sure I want to do that right now. That is my level of motivation at this moment.

I am a little nervous about my appointment with the orthopedist tomorrow. The PA thinks that they need to go in an repair the new tear in my hip and do a femoroplasty at the same time. we shall see what the Dr. thinks.

Well, I guess now is the time. I will stop typing and hope that I have gotten enough off my chest to work on my homework.

We will come out of this storm, we always do.

Almost there!

As far as A1 and A2, we are back to normal. All the kids have started school. I am in semester two at law school and the wedding is in 18 days.

Lately,  with not being able to leave #2 alone with any of the other kids, KD not stepping up, me in school, and Alex not sleeping, I feel so far away from him. I wish we could get his sleep and pain under control so he could be more happy.

Things in our life are far from perfect. Our kids are not little angels; they lie, steal from each other, get into everything, are lazy, are inconsiderate, quick to act before thinking, and other things that drive us crazy, but they are our kids. They are not perfect, but no kid is. We love them anyways. We (repeatedly) teach them the right way and hope that someday it will stick. I’m not an expert (nor do I claim to be one) on parenting. I do not know how to “fix” them, I only know how to try to teach them.

The kids have had no time with KD and his family still.

I know we as a family have a lot going on. There is hardly a dull moment at our house…

In fact, right  now, I am sitting in the waiting room at #2’s counseling. I should be reading for school, but I can’t get my brain to slow down enough to concentrate on it. So here I am trying to get some of this out so I can concentrate.

I know this time of year is extra stressful for Alex at work because it is so busy. I am trying to take that into account when he blows his top. I know it’s not all the stress at work, I know he is losing patience with all the kids. I am too, but they are our children and we have a responsibility to teach them (as many times as it takes) the right thing to do and that every action has a consequence, good or bad. I know it’s hard, I get fed up too. I also realize that it won’t do anyone any good if we are both losing our patience at the same time all the time.

That is one of the nice things about the two of us, usually we can offset each other. Alex is my best friend, I just feel like he is a million miles away from me. I do try to be close to him while I study. I know it’s not enough for him. I wish I could give him more. I am trying to give him more time without falling behind in my studies. I am trying to get ahead so I don’t have to worry about it while we are on our honeymoon.

Alex, I know you’re reading this. I love you and hope you know that I am trying to be everything for all of you and still be what I need to be for me. I cannot wait to be your wife. I am still thankful for meeting you and being lucky enough to call you mine. I love you.image

Ramblings

I have so much I want to type, but I have no idea where to start. I know that Alex once told me to just start typing and even if it isn’t coherent, it will all come out.

20130303-182320.jpgAs far as the situation with #2, I called the police, they will not be doing anything, but did suggest I call CPS. I also called our local community organization that handles this type of thing. I called CPS. We switched up bedrooms so that #2 is on the main floor. The social worker wants A1 and A2 to stay with GM for now. She also wants us to make sure that if #2 is around any of the kids, they are in lie of sight. She gave us a door alarm to put on his bedroom door at night so that he cannot leave his room at night without us knowing. She told me that we are doing everything that she would suggest. I don’t know how many times I heard that the situation is normal for his age. That doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t know what will ever ease GM’s mind about A1 and A2 coming home. I don’t know how long the social worker will want the A1 and A2 to not be home with us. This is something I have never dealt with.

#2 is staying with my mom for the week. This way A1 and A2 can come home for twpid-images.pnghe week. I don’t know what we will do after that. Someone suggested that I look into a group home for him. Yes, that gets him out of the house, but what additional problems will it cause? While I am in school he will attend the Boys and Girls Club so that he is not at home with the other kids.

20130217-215016.jpgI don’t know how long Alex will handle A1 and A2 not coming home on a regular basis before he gives up on us. What then? At times, I can’t even handle to think about the wedding being in 83 days because I don’t even know if we will make it that long. I know he loves me and I love him, but we both know that love is not always enough.

I am scared. What if he does give up? I can’t afford a place big enough for the five 20130414-092216.jpgof us, especially not giving #2 his own room. I gave up on my housing so I can’t apply for help with that. I do not get near enough student loans to support us. I would probably have to leave school. I hate this. I don’t know what to do anymore.

20140102-083304.jpgI feel like whole world is exploding around me. I feel like I am 20131208-225406.jpgjust a viewer in my own life. I am tired. I am back to taking my medicine every night before bed and still feel like I am not getting any sleep. I am worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can’t concentrate on class, my reading, or much of anything else today. I feel like I don’t know much of anything right now. Tears well up at the drop of a hat today. 20130317-194810.jpg

I love Alex. I love our kids. I am just scared.Again, I feel like I have no control over my life and no idea what is ahead of me. 20130404-223859.jpg

What is Going On??

I don’t know what to think about #1 anymore. Yesterday, she called me and told me that she missed her bus and would catch the next one. I expected her to be home a half hour late. However, she was two hours late. She was wearing one of her dresses that she is required to wear a tank top and shorts under. When she left yesterday, she was wearing both. When she got home last night, she was wearing neither. What do I do now? I am out of ideas. I scheduled her an appointment with a gynecologist to get an exam and on birth control. I have an intake scheduled for her to be assessed for mental health services, unless I can get her in tomorrow for a walk in appointment. She is going to my mother’s house for a bit. I am taking away all of her clothes that I do not want her to wear by itself. She is grounded to her room with the door open unless she is changing her clothes and if her door is closed for any reason, it will come off the hinges. She is not to be unsupervised. I told her that #2 is in charge for the summer. The only thing left to do is take everything out of her room, except her bed and clothes. Any other suggestions?????

As far as #2, he has been doing amazing babysitting #3 and #4!! His responsibility level has gone through the roof! I am so impressed. Last night, his counselor said, “if it ain’t broke, I can’ fix it.” His next appointment is not for another 3 weeks. He has not really had any of his fits lately. He had a little bit of one on Saturday when #1 set him off, but it was no where near what they used to be.

All of this stuff with #1 has been taking a toll on my studies. We have midterms the next two Mondays and I feel so unprepared.

 

What to do with a depressed teen?

For once, can it be about me? I never agree to go to events because I am afraid of how my children will act. I finally decided to RSVP for us to go to a BBQ with my class and we didn’t even get 10 minutes from the house and had to come home because #1 decided to act like everything is about what she wants, causing a problem with #2. She has been getting worse by the day, I am pretty sure she needs to be treated for depression, so I made her a doctor’s appointment to assess her for depression. Her doctor said to take her to counseling. Seriously? She has been seeing the same counselor for three years and that has obviously not done her any good because she does not want to talk to anyone about “[her] business.” Her doctor knows that. Of course, this was a Thursday. Two out of three of the counselors that she recommended don’t accept our insurance and the third did not answer the phone and is not open on Fridays. I called our local mental health help line and was pretty much told that there is nothing I can do until Monday unless she is trying to hurt herself or someone else. And they wonder why we have had so many teen suicides in our area lately…there is no help until it is too late.

It is my birthday weekend. For once can’t it be about me? Why do they have to act like the world revolves around them? Why can’t they care about someone other than themselves? They complain that we don’t do anything fun, but then this type of shit happens when we do try.

I wish I could just leave her at home, but I don’t trust her.

I have no idea what I am going to do all summer. I can’t really leave her to babysit while I go to school, but she will try to cause problems for #2 when he is babysitting. I am starting to think I was right yesterday, I never should have thought I could go to law school. I should have known better.

I just want to climb in a hole. I can’t take anymore. I just can’t.

What was I thinking?????

I am starting to wonder if coming back to school was a good idea, or if I should have waited until the kids were older, like moved out. I am so freaking overwhelmed with all of this. The one class that I was pretty sure I understood is giving me the most problems. Yes, that means I should be working on my school work instead of typing this, but in order to work on my school work, I need to relax and calm down.
I need to make myself sit down and study more. I am hoping that now that the kids (most of them) are out of school, it will mellow out. This week has been chaotic. Kindergarten graduation, school BBQ, fifth grade program, school, meeting with a principal, and all the regular stuff. Next week, I get to add court and my grandmother into the mix. Oh goody. Part of me hopes he shows up so that I know he gives a shit, but part of me hopes he does not so that it can be done.
Take a deep breath and relax. Alex and I are going out to dinner tonight for our weekly date night/my birthday. I can’t wait. Tomorrow, we have a BBQ with my class, and Sunday a BBQ with friends.

Well, I guess my Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress paper is calling me to work on it.

I’m still here

I know it’s been a long time since my last post. Law school was kicking my butt when I wasn’t doing my mom duties or sleeping. Then at the end of October, Alex was in a bad car accident and need 24/7 care for the first while after his 2 weeks in the hospital. So, of course I took a leave of absence to care for my love and our family and will start back to school in May.
I am happy to say that he is doing better and there are days I forget how bad it was and how close I was to losing him that day. There were
many times I wanted to post during that time, but I didn’t want him to worry. We did get our wedding rings and are wearing them. No set date, but in our hearts it’s already done.
In a week and a half, I will be having surgery on a labral tear in my hip. Not going to lie, I’m nervous. It’s just outpatient so I should be ok, but it’s still scary.
Well, I had a dye job go wrong last week and am correcting (hopefully) it tonight and it is time to rinse.

Yep, it was a dry spell

I know I haven’t written for a bit (Alex just mentioned it this weekend actually). Life has been hectic. Law school, moving my grandma into a retirement home, kids starting school, fighting with KD about where to put #1 for school this year, law school, and all of the other day to day pieces of being a mom.

I don’t write because when I get the overwhelming urge to write, one of two things happens. Either I decide that I need to wait so that Alex and I can talk about it, or I decide that there are other things I should be doing (i.e., study). I am pretty sure that both apply right now, but I can’t concentrate on my studies and Alex just went to bed. Monday nights are always hard, but with the Labor Day holiday, the kids just got off of a 10 day stint with KD. I know it is overwhelming. It overwhelms me and I have been doing it for too long.

#1 has extra attitude because she just spent three days alone with her father. One minute she hates me and wants to be alone and the next she wants to talk to me and cuddle. I don’t mind that, but when the latter comes at bedtime, I am not going to deal with it.

#2 is extra mischievous, and his voice volume has tripled since I last saw him. 

#3 and #4 just don’t want to listen. #4 was extra clingy.

Alex had enough and decided he was going to bed. It has been a long time since one of us has gone to bed before the other one. I don’t like it.

The deal with #1. We were told a week and a half before school started that she was set to come back. Then, the day before school started, they informed us that they received word that she was prank calling another girl all summer and #1 was not welcome to come back this year. Left the school that day thinking that we were just going to have her attend the home-school extension program through her school. However, as usual, KD changed his mind. We now live across town from each other and cannot agree on what color the sky is, let alone where our child should attend school. After many texts and emails and a visit with the counselor, we agreed that she will attend the school that his home feeds into, it will not change our current custody arrangement, and we will meet half way on my weeks to split the transport to the new school. I am sure that he will screw it up somehow, but I have to hope that maybe just this once he won’t.

I wish I knew how to help that child. Except for a dentist appointment and class tomorrow, her and I will have the day together. Maybe she will decide to open up then instead of waiting until bedtime. I don’t want to reward her for her behavior, but I know that she needs some positive attention too.

As far as Alex and I are concerned, things have been going pretty well. There are still days that I worry that he will realize what he has gotten himself into and change his mind, but that is because of a lack of faith in me, not a lack of faith in him. I think that we might just have picked a date…April 1, 2015. We also discussed September 28, 2015.

Well, I still have about 50 pages to read before class tomorrow and I need to get to bed because it is 9:15 already.

 

OH…. I PASSED MY FIRST LAW SCHOOL CLASS WITH a B!!!