Hope This Isn’t a sign

What a morning and it is not even 6:15 yet.

Last night, Hubby reminded me that he had a doctor appointment at 10 this morning. So, I scheduled a babysitter and went online to look at bus schedules. I did not want to take any chances that he would get a ticket in the van. I figured out what buses and what times. I would be a little ate for work, but it would be okay.

I got up this morning and showered, curled my hair and got out the door in plenty of time to catch the bus. I walked around the corner and the bus stop is not there anymore. So, I thought “Okay, I’ll just walk down a couple of blocks to the other stop.” I got to the other stop and it was for a different bus. Seriously?

I turned around and backtracked. I was thinking that if I just walked sown the main road, I would find a stop. Did I mention that indent wear heels often and I decided to today? I took my heels off and was walking in my nylons because i knew I would walk faster. I did eventually find the bus. Apparently it doesn’t travel down the main road in that area. Then, as I was paying for the bus ride, I spilled my coffee and lost a quarter. The time I spent curling my hair was a waste because it came out in my walk and I have at least one hole in the bottom of my nylons.

I am now almost to my stop where I will have to walk a little ways again. I am so excited. What you cannot read that in my typing?

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A New Day

A huge relief, I have both days off this weekend and my boss put in for this to be permanent!!!
On another note, my grandmother went in today to replace her lost license and they refused until she gets a note from her doctor and her eye doctor. That is another stress.
#1 has her first volleyball game next week.

I’m still here

I started a new job about a month and a half ago. I work 40 hours a week plus our business and school. All my husband can do is complain that I am not home enough. Seriously?

I really thought we were done the other night. He left. I missed school. Told my instructor I was having a family emergency. I am not sure what his problem is, but if he really wants to, I can do it alone. I just don’t want to. He would use my job and school against me though. Saying that I am not home enough. I am trying to make a better life for our kids.

I love my new job. Hours aren’t great, but it gets me home in time to get the kids from school. I can’t wait until I can get a Monday through Friday schedule though.

I am just feeling very overwhelmed lately. I will get by this. Oh, we are in the process of figuring out if we can get a modification on the house.

Please pray for my family that we can all get through this rough patch.

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God, Its Me Again…

Sometimes, I wonder if God is even there. I have been raised to believe that he is, but then I wonder why I feel so alone. It seems that so many things I ask for, I get the opposite of.

“God Please help my husband’s back and shoulder to heal.” Instead, it has gotten worse and no one can or will do anything about it.

“God, Please don’t let me lose my house.” Well, the bank won’t take a partial payment. That’s about $5000 more than I have.

“God, Please let my marriage work out.” Pretty sure this prayer is failing too. Today, I told my husband I don’t want to have sex with him because I don’t even like him half the time.

“God, Please help business pick up for us.” Today, we lost our biggest property. And it has done nothing but rain most of the week.

Is God even there? I am beginning to understand why people become Atheists. No expectations, no pain. I am a big doubter. Why shouldn’t I be? Every time my life begins to look up, I get crapped on. Not just a little bit either.

I just don’t know how to handle it anymore. The one thing that used to save me was to pray. Why should I pray? No one is listening anyways.

The sky is falling…

As if things couldn’t get any worse, we got a notice of default taped to our house today. Unfortunately, it was my inlaws that drove by and told me there was papers taped to the house. “Looks like you’re getting evicted.” Little did she know, that is exactly what it was. I have 30 days to come up with almost $8,000. I can come up with $4500 for sure. Hopefully that will appease them for now.

I feel comfortable sharing this with you because there is only one person that knows my true identity and she promised not to say anything or criticize me for what she reads. God bless her for that silence.

I know all the criticisms that could come from this post. Trust me, I have already said them to myself.

My prayer for tonight:
Dear God,
Please watch over my family and me during this rough time. Help us to come up with a plan to keep our home. I do not want to lose my home.
Please, Lord, help our business take off so that we can make it.
Please grant my son the peace he needs to get through life and us the peace and guidance to give him what he needs. Amen

I Can’t Be The Only One

3. Martin Luther King, Jr., a civil rights act...

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“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that” — Martin Luther King Jr

 

If I hear or see one more thing about Osama Bin Laden, I am going to scream! I think it is highly inappropriate to celebrate the death of a human being, no matter how horrible he is. URGH!!!!!!! I know I cannot be the only one! I don’t voice this among the people I know becase I do not want to offend, I have two BILs that have been to Iraq. WHATEVER.

Now, on to the rest of my thoughts for today. I just don’t want to be me somedays. Today was one of those days. My husband was grouchy from the get go because he doesn’t feel good (WHAAA), the children started fighting off the bat, the job we did today lasted longer than we planned, the homeowner is out of town until Friday (no payment), received an email from #3’s teacher, husband complained about everything I did or did not do all day, the children fought after school, #3’s teacher came out to talk to me, and I had a final tonight. Oh, and we are broke and out of gas and almost out of diapers.

Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I just left my husband. I don’t think I ever actually would, but what if? I know a guy that would be happy to take me, don’t know about the kids though.

Sometimes, I wonder what life would be like if I had given up on my husband in high school. Would I have finished college and have a job? Would I be happily married? Would I have any kids? It is irrelevant. I am married to my high school sweet heart and I love him. I love our children. I just wish life would be a little kinder to us.

Can’t I just be someone else?

"The Last Supper" - museum copy of M...

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As I type, I have the Ten Commandments in shortened form taped up around my house (#2 had a test on them today). Number ten is “You shall not covet.” Another thing to be guilty about….

I love my husband and children. I get reminded fairly often that I could have it worse. I am just tired of getting settled into things going well and then having something blow up. I woke up tired. I couldn’t even take a ten minute shower without hearing “mom” about 20 times (yes, that may be a little exaggerated, but not by many). #4 had a physical therapy appoint ment and a doctor appointment. She finished her antibiotics about 3 days ago and now she has croup (with 3 days of an oral steroid).

Things started going well. I exchanged my jeans for a smaller size (from an 18 in January to a 16, but almost small enough for a 14!!) Enjoyed a walk around the mall with #4 and a visit with an old friend. Then, the bank called. They want more proof of my self-employment income for the truck loan. I gave them all I have. We have had the truck for almost a week and now we might not even get to keep it. How embarassing would that be?

The older three kids had choir and went the Maundy Thursday service with my MIL.

Then, my instructor called. I was supposed to call and talk to a professional for a presentation I have to do. The guy was on vacation when I called so I left a message. Luckily I told him who’s class it was for because I did not leave my phone number. Wow, that was embarassing.

On a more positve note, our business seems to be picking up. We have gotten a few more calls and have a bigger job to do next week. I would have scheduled it for this week, but between #4’s appointments today and the older three getting out of school at 11:30 for Good Friday

This week has not been my favorite. On Tuesday, Husband decided that I needed to take the van to school instead of the truck. All well and good, but a) I was already late and b) the van was between his work truck and our new truck in a difficult position to back out of. He got pissed because I asked him to back it out for me. Seriously?? I had dinner made, the kids fed, kids’ homework done, and dishes (his chore) done for him when he got home (from a 3 hour shift, yes he only works 15 hours a week). He knew I was mad. By the time I got home, he had done 3 loads of laundry (my chore).

I know this had a little bit of everything in it tonight. I am sorry for the rambling, but sometimes I just need to type what is on my mind.

I hate trying to title these things

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Forgive me if these begin to take the form of letters. I have decided that these will be more like my journals. The only person I am writing these for is me anyways.

My husband keeps telling me that the only way to get our business gone is to take a risk. So, tonight we took a risk. We traded in our car and bought a pickup. I am excited, but I am frightened. All I can say is that I hope this business really takes off.

Looks like this week will be a week of handing out flyers all day. We need to get as much business drummed up as we possibly can. I guess it is time to push all my advertising avenues. We have been blessed so far. We just need to get going.

TGIF…I think

Today is Friday. To most moms, that means a possibility that they will get at least one day to sleep in. Not at my house. If I don’t make #2 sleep in my room, he will wake up with the sun and wake up #1 & #3. In turn, I get woken up because the waking of #1 & #3 usually consists of someone screaming. To me, Friday also means two days of trying to keep my kids busy, without spending money.

Who cares if it is Friday? I couldn’t tell you the last time my husband and I had a real date. You see, he doesn’t trust anyone to be in our house to babysit and that leaves MIL & FIL. They hardly ever take them all at once. Even for major things like our birthdays and anniversay. This is because they never had a babysitter, we shouldn’t need one. Seriously?!? My marriage isn’t perfect and sometimes I jsut need to work on it! I guess it doesn’t really matter, I wouldn’t have the money to go out even if she did take them. I don’t know how, but when I finish losing this weight, I will be going out. Dressing up, dinner, drinks, my husband, and some friends (not that we really have any, but that is a whole different post…)!

I should be doing homework. Instead, I am waiting for my husband to get out of bed so that we can go to a couple of garage sales before we have to re-enroll our children for school next year. Oh, and I need to write our paychecks and do the personal checkbook. Should also do the laundry that is piling up because my energy and motivation seem to have taken a vacation without me. I really wish they would quit that!!

One of THOSE days…

Thought I was having a terrible calorie week, but when I got on the scale tonight, I had lost 2.8 pounds since Sunday! That puts me at 20.6 since the beginning of 2011. That was the best part of my day.

I have class tomorrow and didn’t get my reading done. I didn’t get any laundry done. None of my kids did anything educational. And McDonalds screwed up my pop! Oh and I realized that I have no where near enough money to pay my bills.

On the bright side, I now have two jobs booked for next week and I am waiting to hear on two more. I am excited to say this season is officially started!

This is definitely one of those random rambling nights. #2 is a difficult child. Some days I don’t know what to do with him. I can be looking directly at him and he will cause problems. As long as I keep him busy, he’s fine (for the most part), but he always gets mad because he always has to do everything.

Well, I have an 8 hour class tomorrow that starts in 7.5 hours. I guess that means it’s bedtime.