What the actual fuck is wrong with me?

I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know if there is even anything left of my marriage. I’ve already lost most of my kids. I feel like I have no one. The one person who is supposed to be there for me no matter what has now run from me twice in two days when I have needed him the most.

What is wrong with me? Am I really that bad of a parent? Am I that bad of a person? I’m starting to think that’s what it is. Maybe I should have just let KD have the kids. Not sure he could have screwed them up anymore than I have. Maybe i should not have come back that morning. Alex’s life couldn’t have been any worse than it is with me in it.

He says he wants me, that may be, but he only wants part of me. He wants the person he thinks I should be. Quiet, kid free, the perfect housewife. I am none of those. Never have been, never will be.

I try to do everything I can to make him happy. I know it’s not on me. The only thing left to make him happy is to leave. Oh, sure, he’d be sad for a bit, but not for long. He would have his office back, he would be able to take the locks off of things, he wouldn’t have to see my kids, he could finish the house, he could do whatever he wants for and with the girls without anyone questioning him, he would have his quiet time.

Me, I would be back at square one. No home, no friends, no furniture, no partner. I would lose two of my kids. My best friend and two kids, that would kill me the most.

I am so tired. I dont know if I can handle any of it anymore. I am obviously a terrible wife and mother. I really just want to be done with life. Two failed marriages. Failed at raising kids. The two things I thought I was good at. I guess I was wrong, I am the problem, not them.

I wish, for his and the girls’ sake, Alex had never met me.