Just A Failure

That’s what I must be. I have failed at being a wife, twice now. I have obviously failed at being a mother. I have failed at being a friend, that’s why my only friends work with me, are Alex’s friend’s, or don’t talk to me.

If I am not a failure of a mother, why does my daughter not talk to me? Why is she not going to graduate? Why did she try to kill herself? Why do my children lie and steal? Why did my son touch his sister? Why do my children steal? Why does my 9 year old want to hurt herself? Why does my husband hate my children?

Advertisements

This or That?

Well, #1 still really isn’t talking to me. #2 is pushing every single limit. #3 is not using the brain I know he has. #4 is taking after too many of her siblings. A1 and A2 are… well, whatever.

Alex and I seem to be fighting more and more. This week he told me that when it comes to the boys we are not a team. I told him that we are all a team or not at all. There is no half team. He left for San Diego today and I told him on Friday that he needs to take his 12 days away from home to decide what he wants. Either we need counseling to figure out how to be a team and work together, or we just need to be done. It isn’t fair to us or the kids.

A2 seems to hate me more than any kid ever has and no one seems to care. He lets her come between us physically all the time. Every time he does, I hear my grandpa telling me not to let the kids come between us, not even physically.

You may wonder why you have not seen any comments from Alex for awhile. A few months back, I realized that I was not doing my readers any justice by not posting. So, I tried to figure out why I wasn’t posting anymore. I realized it was because every time I thought about posting, I realized that I did not want to deal with his reaction. So, I unsubscribed him.

It’s not like what I say isn’t anything I haven’t said to him, but sometimes it just starts a fight.

At home, I feel like a married single parent. At work, I feel like I am a sole practitioner in a partnership. Honestly, Friday I was ready to quit both. If I am going to do it alone, I may as well actually do it alone.

I am not saying that I do not love Alex and the girls. I just don’t think that our relationship is good for anyone lately. I am just tired of everything being the fault of me, #1, #2, #3, or #4. At least since #1 moved out, the blame on her has minimized. However, maybe someone should admit that sometimes the problem is not what is happening, it is how you deal with it. I have tried so many different ways of dealing with him, A1, and A2, but none of them seem to work.

I hate being in such a limbo. I really hope Alex realizes that I am serious about counseling or we are done. I told him that he has until he gets home from his work trip. It gives him basically 2 weeks. I intend to leave him be unless he texts me first.

No, I do not know how I will do it, but I will make it work if that is what I have to do. It is not what I want, but we also promised each other that we would not drag our marriage out if we were miserable. He is definitely miserable.

We do not talk to each other anymore. We haven’t for a long time.

I miss him. I miss us. I miss kids that don’t hate being around me.

Please do not think that I want a divorce. That is the last thing I want, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Well, my computer just told me that my battery is dying. I guess that means I am done for tonight.