Being a Good Parent SUCKS!!

#1 moved out this weekend. It was her choice. I have been telling her to follow the rules, or pack her shit and get out. She has been pushing and pushing. Saturday she called me from a friend’s phone and told me she was spending the night there. I told her no. She argued with me and I told her she could go home, or she could pack her shit and leave. She chose the latter. It is fucking killing me. I don’t know where she is, I don’t really know if she is ok. All I can do is hope and pray. I message her on Instagram, but that is the only way I can reach her. I just want to hold her in my arms.

I know this is best for her and all my kids because it shows them that choices have consequences and we will stick by what we say. But it does not make it any easier.

I have been burying myself in work when I can. Each day hurts a little less, but then i see something, or hear something and i just want to curl up and cry.

I miss her more than she will ever understand. This is truly one of those times that i can say it hurts me more than her.

Update: 7:15 PM

I feel so alone. I feel like I don’t have anyone. I just want to cry and have someone hold me. All Alex wants to do is get mad at #2 and threaten to kick him out too. I realized that I have no one. I wish my mom or dad was closer. I just want ro know it will be okay. I wish I could climb in a hole and disappear. I know I can’t though, my kids need me. That is what keeps me going, my kids.

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When isn’t love enough?

How can you tell that love is no longer enough? That is not a rhetorical question. I really want to know the answer. I love Alex more than he will ever understand, but is that enough? I really don’t know anymore. I am tired of nothing I do being right. I am tired of nothing my kids do being right. I am tired of him being unhappy and everything being blamed on me and my kids.

I feel like I am the only one fighting for this relationship anymore. He doesn’t even deny that. I have brought up marriage counseling , but there is always an excuse. Sometimes I just want to look at him and ask if he remembers what happened last time he denied that marriage counseling would help. I feel alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I mean, I talk to my mom, but it just isn’t the same.

He doesn’t trust me, doesn’t like my kids, doesn’t even want to touch me anymore. Now what? I wish I knew. The one person I am supposed to be able to talk to won’t even listen anymore.

I just realized that my “baby” will be 18 in less than four and a half months. I am happy for her and excited to see the woman that she grows into, but I am scared too. I won’t be there to protect her anymore. I will miss her more than she knows, but I can’t talk to him about that. He doesn’t care, he is just excited that they are starting to move out.

When do you know love is no longer enough?