So, the presenting in front of high school students went well. Once I got up there, it wasn’t that bad. I almost enjoyed it. Although, high school kids are rude, they would not shut up.

The parent session with #1’s counselor. I just don’t know what to think. On one hand, it felt great to hear that #1 knows who has been there for her, recognizes how hard I’ve worked, and is proud of me. On the other hand, I feel like a failure. It is so hard to decide where I need to let go and where I need to be firm. I don’t want to let her get away with things, but I don’t want to push her either. I’m scared I am going to lose my baby girl. I dnt lose her. I am so scared. Every. Single. Day.

Alex basically refused counseling because he doesn’t have time. Really? What happened to making sure one or both of us doing counseling before things got too bad? We had date night last night. I tried so hard to pretend and make small talk, but it was lime talking to a wall. He has pulled so far away from me, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I guess I feel like  in some ways, I already have. He is so unhappy. It is so obvious. I try so hard not to fight with him, but sometimes I just can’t hold it in.

I have cried more today than I have in a long time. I guess I was right. I have been afraid that if I let the tears flow, they just wouldn’t stop. I thought Alex was asleep. Then I realized he was awake, and barely touching me. I was completely losing it and I was alone. My husband won’t talk to me, he keeps it all bottles up and one of these days, it’s going to get ugly. I am just afraid that when it finally happens, one of us will say something we can’t take back. He is turning into the shell of a man I met and it scares me.

#1 seemed fine after counseling, but all of a sudden, something was up. I dont know what it was. I dont know why tbe switch flipped, but it did. She wouldnt eat dinner, she didnt want a shower. She did finally come shower. I asked if she wanted to talk and she said not to me. There are only 4 people she wanted to talk to: A1, GM, her counselor, and her best friend. That hurt. She said it’s because she didn’t trust me. Wow. I just don’t even know what to think. 
I am still scared about the new job. She doesn’t know how to make it so I have internet or a phone. She hasn’t asked for my I9 or my W4, but being the person I am, I printed them out and will give them to her tomorrow or Saturday. What if I don’t get my bar application approved? What if I don’t pass the bar?

#1 wants to write KD a letter. I am torn. I need to check and find out if it is allowed under the protection order or not. I know it will help, but I am honestly afraid he will try to use it against me. Who knows what she will say to him. I honestly have no desire for him to find out that she tried to commit suicide because I don’t want it getting to his parents.

Oh, did I mention that he is in prison facing 2 out of 11 felony charges in 1 out of 3 counties in the state? I know, about time.

I want to get the adoption moving, but I am not sure that Alex really does. I guess part of me is afraid that something is going to happen with us. I just feel like I am losing him again.

I should be sleeping tomorrow is going to be a long day. I am exhausted,  but wide awake. Oh, Nd my neck hurts. I need to schedule my massage before it expires…in all my free time.



I have none today. #1 has told me a couple times since her last counseling session that her counselor was wanting to meet with me, so today I called and left the counselor a message. I missed her call when she called back, but basically, yes she wants to meet with me to discuss some things that #1 may not be comfortable discussing together. The soonest I can get in to meet with her counselor is Thursday. Now, I am trying to focus on work, but all I can do is stress. I always get super high anxiety when someone wants to talk about my kids. I feel like they are going to be telling me everything I am doing wrong. Like I don’t already know that I have screwed up my kids and continue to screw them up more every day?

I agreed to help out with a conference tomorrow with work, but I am starting to wish I hadn’t. I am sure the thought of standing up in front of 400-500 high school students and acting is adding a considerable amount to my anxiety level.

I start a new job next week. This is potentially my forever job. However, the employer is so not prepared to have an employee. That is adding to my anxiety.

Oh, and everyday life at home.

I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

What now?

I do not think any one has any idea how much of a parental failure I feel like. Does not seem to matter what I do, they all do whatever they want. Does not seem to matter what the consequences are. Lies, not cleaning up, not turning in homework, turning in crap for homework, cussing, and just plain not caring. I’ve tried extra chores, grounding, no tv, grounding from their rooms, grounding to their rooms, giving them incentives, taking things away, yelling, crying, nothing is working. All it’s doing is making everyone crabby. Makes Alex and I not talk to each other. Makes the kids worse. Makes everyone miserable.

I just want to crawl in a hole and cry, but I don’t have time for that. 

What’s left? 

What do you say when everything has been said, but nothing is truly heard? How do you talk to someone who is always right or never does anything wrong? How do you help someone who won’t help themselves, or even admit there’s a problem? I’m tired. My heart hurts. I see everyone around me unhappy and hurting and I feel helpless. I get told that I just have to break. Why? So I can try to glue myself back together? I can’t break. I don’t have time and I have to figure out how to keep my family from falling apart.