Some surprise, I should be reading or sleeping. Instead, I am writing and trying to take a breath. Something that I feel I have not done in too long. I feel like I have been holding my breath, waiting for the next thing to go wrong for so long. Every time that I think I can breathe, something happens.
I am not sure what bothers me more, when I yell, or when I can say what is bothering me calm, collected, without raising my voice, or shedding a tear. A fight, or a one-sided conversation. Full-blown tears or complete calm. The words you choose to say or the ones you choose to hold back.
I wish I could fully explain to you how I feel right now. I feel so many things. Fear, loneliness, exhaustion, dread, anxiety, hope, love, pride, sadness, anger, and a ton of feelings that I do not even know how to describe. All at once. Do you remember when you were a carefree kid and mixed all the fountain drinks in one cup (my brother called it a swamp)? That is how I feel. One feeling running into the next.
I have been trying to throw myself into my school work, but I find my mind wandering off.
Even now, I cannot even seem to write this without my mind wandering. I just do not even know what to say anymore. I do not know what to do anymore. I am tired in so many ways.
Perfection, something that we all would love, but will never have. Our children will not be perfect. Our spouse will not be perfect. Work will not be perfect. We will never be perfect. I will never be perfect. Ever. Not gonna happen. I know you will not be either. What I can promise is that I will do my best. I will not promise that my best will always be the same. My best will be the best I can do at that moment, in that situation.
I read case after case in my law books where the court says, it depends on the facts of the particular case. That is how I see my best. It depends on the facts of the particular moment and situation.
Today was a long day. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.
There, I posted.