I AM to Blame


As parent, when my child is having problems, I wonder what I am doing wrong. As a girlfriend, when my boyfriend shuts down, I wonder what I am doing wrong. As a friend, when a friend pulls away, I wonder what I am doing wrong. I always assume that the fault lies with me. I guess I hope that if the fault lies with me, I can fix it. Unfortunately that is not always the case.

We are having a great deal of problems with #1. She got suspended for one day last week because of an incident between her, #3, KD. It all came down to a he said, she said between #1 and KD, neither of which I am inclined to believe. Then, Wednesday night, #1 was supposed to be outside raking and when I went to check on her, she was gone. Alex, A1, and I all checked the house and could not find her. After about 30 minutes of driving around looking for her, I called 911 and reported her as a runaway. She finally showed back up after being gone for about two hours, but of course I had to tell KD what was going on and he turned it into being about us staying at Alex’s. Then, there were attitude issues over the weekend with #1 and #2. #3 was busted for scraping paint off the wall and lying about it. It was not the best of weekends. Then, there was the call from the principal yesterday. Apparently, there was a rumor started at the school that #1 had had sex. After an investigation into the issue, the principal and another teacher established that #1 started the rumor about herself. She is suspended for the last three days of school. I met her and KD at her counseling appointment last night, but no one could get her to talk, even after KD and I left the room. Then I get home last night and A1 established that either #1 or #4 had been getting into her stuff. This of course pushed Alex even farther. I don’t know what to do with her.

Alex has been very distant since Saturday. I am scared. I am scared that we are going to put our all into this and end up at a point where everyone gets hurt and we hate each other. I do not want that. I tried to talk to him Monday night, but it was another night where I felt like I was talking to the wall. So, I just got ready for and went to bed. Then, last night we sat on opposite ends of the couch in silence. I was studying and he was playing on his phone.

We have A1 and A2 again tonight, so there probably won’t be any talking tonight. Tomorrow we have counseling so maybe that will at least get us started talking again. Yes, I am tired of hearing about some of the things that are bothering him, but I can’t change them and I don’t want him to just clam up either. I feel like we are falling right back into the old pattern of shutting each other out. I have been straight forward with him over the last few weeks, no matter how he might react. I know he has tried also, but the last few days has been hard. I feel like he is shutting me out again. I can’t go through that again.

If either of us lets go this time, it will be the last time. I hope we don’t push each other to that point. I want to spend the rest of my life by Alex’s side. I love him and want to be with him forever. I want to be a team. I want to be a family. I want to know that he is 100% behind me with my schooling. I want to support him in the choices that he makes. I want to be in this together, forever.

Well, I have stalled long enough. I need to study and get ready for school. Oh, by the way, I SURVIVED my first day of LAW SCHOOL!!!!

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