I am thankful for the last two nights that I got to have Alex. It was almost like it used to be, only we still had #1. I know I should be thankful for tonight too, but at the moment I can’t say I am. As I was tucking her in, A1 told me that she doesn’t want me to come over Friday because it is GM’s birthday. She apparently thinks me being here will make her miss GM more. Then, as I was tucking in A2, she told me that I was supposed to sleep on the couch because Alex and I “aren’t dating anymore.” If I would have known I was sleeping on the couch, I would have stayed home. Everyone in this apartment is asleep, except me. I only wish. I can’t get comfortable, I gave #1 the better pillow. Me sleeping on the couch didn’t even cross my mind. Thought we were past that again, but I forgot that in their minds we aren’t dating anymore. If we aren’t dating, what are we?
I’m tired. In so many ways. I want to rest. I know I have to go through the shit to get to the good stuff, but c’mon. Don’t I deserve consistent good for at least a while? I’m tired of the fight with KD, with the kids, with Alex, with work, with myself.
Come beside me, hold my hand, don’t let go. I’m not asking you to fight my battles, I’m asking you to stand by me and support me. Alex does this most if the time (like when I was nervous this morning before my campus visit at Gonzaga), but sometimes I can feel the switch flip.
Update: it is 1130 and I can’t sleep. I just want to scream!!! Like I haven’t been having enough issues staying awake at work. Why me? What did I ever do for the universe to constantly shit on me?