Hate is a Powerful Word


Hate is a word that I remember being chastised for using when I was younger. As a parent, I tell them that hate is a bad word and they can say strongly dislike instead. However, I think that I have come to a point in my life that I can honestly say that I hate KD. Yes, I know that I have said this a time or two, especially lately. This is no ordinary hate, this is gut-wrenching, blood-boiling, death-wishing hate. If he was just making me miserable, that would be one thing, but he is also hurting the seven people closest to me.

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Unleash Momma Bear. I lost it on the attorney today. Apparently KD’s mom’s “unavailability” has ended and they will begin exercising their entire week of residential time now (remember that this only applies to the three youngest). I lost it. They will keep this up just long enough to screw up daycare and then they will become “unavailable” again and I will be scrambling to make things works again. I flipped out on the attorney. I told him that this is exactly why I wanted to amend the temporary court orders to show that I had them except every other weekend. He started to say something about how legally KD can begin exercising his time. No? Really? I told him that I was married to that man for 11 years, I know how he operates, he is only doing this to be difficult. Oh, did I mention that in addition to this, KD is planning on using a different daycare during his weeks? Oh, yeah, that makes sense to do to a four year old who has only been in this one daycare. Let’s completely f*** up her world.

Of course after all of this, I called Alex because I wanted to see if there was any way that I could see him tonight. I needed a hug from him, I needed him to calm me down. The kids started arguing and I could almost hear the switch when Alex began to shut back down.

Now, not only is KD messing with our kids just so he can make my life difficult, he is also trying to mess with any chance I have at being happy. I sent Alex a couple of texts apologizing for ruining his evening and putting him in a bad mood. I also told him that he is right, KD will never leave me alone and I do not blame him for wanting to take what is most important to him and running in the opposite direction.

Just when this week was starting to look up for us. We have been texting at night and through the day. We have been honest with each other. All of the things that we have both been holding back, we have been sharing with each other. It has almost been like the old days. There was one of the nights that I told him all the things that I wanted to scream at him, if I had a safe place to yell and scream at him. Yesterday, he even asked me out on a date this weekend. He told me that he cannot promise me anything still, but he is here and he is trying. That means the world to me.

I believe that he can do anything that he puts his mind to. He is an amazing man and I appreciate that he has believed in me. I appreciate that he has stood by me as long as he has. I wish that I could protect him and the girls from KD as much as I wish I could protect my kids from KD. Unfortunately, I cannot protect any of them.

I wish that KD would just drop off the face of the earth. I wish that there was something more that I could do.

At this point, I would not blame Alex for cancelling our plans this weekend. I can say that if he does not cancel, I will be turning off my phone until it is time to call the kids on Sunday night. I am going to work tomorrow. If KD texts me this weekend, I will be ignoring it.

I just want to catch a break.

In preparation for the possible date this weekend, I took a nice moisturizing bath (powdered milk, honey, grape seed oil, coconut oil, and baking soda) and shaved. I have been feeling itchy from dry skin for like a week now and I cannot tell you the last time I shaved my legs. My skin is still a little itchy, but it is not quite as bad. I figure that I will take another one tomorrow night after the kids leave. I am also planning on cleaning my room. I am scheduled to work on Saturday morning to cover for another agent that needed the time off.

Oh, I have my car back!

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