Typing Puke

I feel more alone than ever. I don’t want to talk to Alex about it because the stress in my life was part of our problem. I was in a car with my mother for over 30 minutes and didn’t feel like I could talk to her. Who does that leave?

I guess the burden of hearing (reading) about my stress fall to you, my readers.

My car is still outside. That means it isn’t fixed. I do not know what my cousin’s timeline is, but I do not want to be a pest either. I just sent him a text to see if I could get a timeline because the kids go back to school on Monday and I have no way to get them to the bus. He texted me back that he got the parts he could with the money I already gave him. He said that he needs $300-$350 more to get the rest of the parts and then fixing the car won’t take long. I told him that I will have it for him tomorrow after work. I will make some calls tomorrow to see if I can get help with my rent. I asked Alex if I could borrow some from him until next Friday when I get paid. If not, I’ll hope for the best. I need my car, or I won’t be able to do anything. What is not long??

We are going through a shift bid at work on Monday. I have known this for about a week, but was originally told that I would be exempt from it. Things changed. I have to do the shift bid. We choose in order of tenure. When the updated list came out this morning, I was listed as number 249 out of 249 employees. There were only 240 schedules listed. I lost it. That was the crack that broke the dam. They were starting make people leave work early and so I volunteered. I knew that I had no business being on the phones. I found my supervisor and freaked out. She did not understand either. After I left, she called me and told me that it was because she preserved my schedule and I would not have to bid. Relief. Then, she called about an hour later telling me that she was wrong. I was going to have to bid and they were going to correct the ranks. She texted me a bit later and told me that I was ranked 27. That makes me feel a little better. I will look at the schedules tomorrow and see what there is.

I had no desire to come home from work today, but I did. I made #4 take a nap. I decided that I was going to take a nap, or at least try to. I told the other three that the downstairs needed to be clean before I got up. I went upstairs and #4 told me that she was scared to be upstairs alone. I told her that I would be up there too, she asked for Alex’s shirt. Goody, not good enough for her either. Either she wants Alex, or she wants KD. Today she was mad at me because I put her in timeout and she told me that she doesn’t want to live with me, she wants to live with her dad. I wish I could tell you that I got a nap. Of course not. My kids decided that they couldn’t manage without asking me 50 billion questions and whining about one thing or another. Then, Alex texted me, CE texted me, games were played, emails came in. I finally gave up. I still sat in my bed for another 30 minutes or so because I had no desire to do anything else.

I made dinner, but I didn’t want to. Three out of four kids complained about dinner. I told them to eat or starve. For the last hour and a half or so, the three older ones have been playing games in the kitchen and #4 has been watching movies. I have gone from surfing Pinterest and playing Words with Friends, to typing this post. I am hoping that by the time I get done typing, I will have gotten enough out that I can sleep tonight.

I am giving the kids about another 30 minutes and then we are all going to bed. They don’t know this yet, but it is happening.

KD offered to take #2 to karate  this weekend. Actually he offered to take them all. I hate that I have to rely on him for the kids to get there. I am sure he will use this against me. The GAL’s report is due on Monday, but she still has not met with the kids or done a home visit at KD’s. Oh goody, another delay.

I feel so far down and so alone. Nothing sounds exciting to me right now. I am scared about so many things in my life. I am afraid of being alone forever. I am afraid of having no one. I know I can still count on Alex, but how long is that going to last? He is going to find someone and move on. I am not looking forward to that day. At least for now, I still have some hope that eventually we will be together.

I am feeling exhausted. In every way, shape and form. According to #1, I have not been eating much lately. I didn’t even realize it. I made a point to eat a turkey wrap for lunch and ate a bowl of dinner.


2 thoughts on “Typing Puke

  1. Stay strong and focus on your kids. You can do it for them. You need to do it for them! Forget the rest and smile at them every single day. The rest will work out. It will! I’m praying for you and that you get your car fixed soon! I’m sure that will take some pressure off. Sending hugs your way 🙂

    • I am trying. It’s so hard. I honestly believed that we could make it work. I guess some part of me will always wonder if I could have done something differently.

      Thank you for your sweet words.

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