What a year

Every where I look tonight, I see year-in-reviews, New Year’s resolutions, and other things related to the new year that begins in less than three hours (Pacific time). This post is going to be a little bit of all of the above.

It is 9:15 PM PST. All four of my kids are asleep. I am sitting in my bed, trying to get through this nasty glass of Alka Seltzer Cold, thinking. Thinking about the year that has passed. Thinking about the upcoming year.

My Year in Review

KD gave #1 a bloody nose in February. CPS stepped in an stopped contact between the two of them while requiring KD’s mom to supervise his contact with the other three kids. The police investigated and could prove nothing.

I finally had enough documentation to file a child custody modification in March. The commissioner granted me adequate cause and placed the CPS safety plan on record as the temporary court order. Beginning in May, KD began to get visitation with #1 every other weekend. In June, CPS closed their case because the safety of the children was in the hands of the family court. However, before they closed their case, they stated that if KD’s mom is unavailable, the burden of caring for the children falls on me. Beginning at the end of July, KD’s mom began to be “unavailable” to supervise KD’s time Monday through Friday. This gave me full physical custody of the children. However, legally he can still have them anytime during his designated residential time. As you can imagine, this gives KD a ridiculous amount of control and he knows it.

#2 participated in an outpatient treatment program for his behavior and finally got a diagnosis of borderline Autism spectrum, ADHD, and intermittent explosive disorder. This came after a fight with KD, an investigation by the newly appointed GAL, and a court hearing.

All of the above has taken its toll on Alex and I. We have broken up multiple times. Most recently, we broke up this weekend. The control that KD has is a large part of it. The kids are another part of it. We are trying to work on that fine line between being lovers and then being friends. We are struggling with this. What is too much in a friendship?

In late spring, I decided that I wanted to go to law school so I signed up to take the LSAT in October. I took the test and applied to my only choice of school, Gonzaga University School of Law. A couple of weeks ago, I received my letter of acceptance and letter offering me a $20,000 a scholarship. I start in the fall.

My 79-year-old grandmother decided that we (me, my mother, my aunt) were too much stress and not there for her enough and ran away from home in August. She returned home in October.

The Year Ahead

Our custody modification trial is set for March. I am asking for full custody and sole decision-making. The report from the Guardian ad Litem (GAL) is due next week. This will have a high level of effect on the outcome of this modification.

I am requesting that the children be allowed to go to public school next year. I am hoping to move to a cheaper, nicer apartment in another part of town. I will be starting law school in September at Gonzaga University.

I am going to do my best to be a friend to Alex. It may be painful and confusing at times, but I will do it because I love him and I want him to be happy, even if it is not with me. Maybe things will eventually work between us, maybe not.

He stopped by to drop off some cold medicine for me tonight. I again invited him to come over tonight. He was on his way to M&M’s house. He briefly touched my hand and the tingles came accompanied by goosebumps. There I went, crossing the invisible line again. I just don’t know where it is and how I am going to deal with it.

year in reviewAs I sat here and created this image, I was also texting with Alex. He told me I should have yes, whether he was drunk or not. Looks like I am alone because I didn’t listen to my heart. I love him. I miss him. I hope that its not too late for us.

Happy New Year. Hopefully this one will be better.