It mattered to me


It mattered to me. Bottom line. When you love someone, if something matters to them, it matters to you by default. That is love. Lets use children as an example. Has your child ever had a passion for something that you could care less about? What do you do when your child starts to talk about it? Do you ignore them? No. You listen intently and ask questions. Why? You can tell that this subject matters to your child. Therefore, it matters to you. This is how relationships work. It does not matter what the relationship: parent-child, husband-wife, boyfriend-girlfriend, friends, you get the point.

Tonight, I was in a collision. I will tell you straight off that everyone walked away. I picked up #1, #2, and #3 from the bus and went to a meeting with my attorney. When we left the attorney’s office, we were discussing what to have for dinner and headed to pick up #4. I was about 5 minutes from the daycare when it happened.

I drove through a green light and suddenly the pickup in front of me stopped. I hit my brakes and tried to swerve, but it was too late. My car hit hard enough that my airbags deployed. My ears were ringing, the smell from the airbag was nauseating, the horn would not stop, and #1 was freaking out. Pulled into a parking lot and the first thing I did was ask how the kids were. #2 was fine, #3 was just in a lap belt and had a sore belly, and #1 had ringing in her ears. Next thing I did was ask the gentleman I hit if he was okay. He was fine. Then, the important question…how was his vehicle? He stated that his vehicle was fine. He tried to convince me that I needed to not drive my car because I was leaking fluid. In tears, I told him that I did not have a choice because I needed to at least get it home. He went to his truck, came back and said that even though he was fine and so was his truck, we still needed to exchange information. This is when my tears really began to flow. You see, I don’t have insurance. Even if I did, it probably would only be liability. He said that he was certain him and his truck were fine, but we exchanged information, just in case.

After much struggle, I finally got #1 to get back in the car. She was freaked out. We made it to the daycare (with no power steering and me watching to make sure I didn’t overheat), but when we tried to leave, the car would not start. I could not even get the hood open. I called CE, he came and grabbed the kids and took them home for me. I called my step-mom, freaking out and she reminded me that her brother lives in town. She gave me his number (that whole part of the family is mechanics) and I called to see if he could help me get it started so I could at least get it home. My uncle came and told me that it was not going to start so I needed to tow it. His truck would not tow it, but my cousin’s would. So, we went and grabbed my cousin and they towed the car back to my house. My cousin is fairly optimistic that he can fix the car for a couple hundred dollars as long as he can find the parts at the junk yard. I don’t have the money for that, but it is better than being totaled. He is going to come over in the next few days and look to see what all it needs. Once we figure out what it will cost, I will see if there is any way that he can afford to cover it and let me make payments to him. Otherwise, I am going to have to see what, if anything, my grandparents can do. My grandma here is going to share her car with me for a little while. I am going to see what I can come up with as far as car pooling or something to get to and from work and see what options I have as far as getting the kids to the bus in the mornings and home after school.

I did try to call Alex, but knew he had the girls tonight and didn’t expect anything from him except for maybe a comforting word or two. He didn’t answer the phone, but he texted me a little bit later and asked if everything was okay and I told him “no, not really.” He called immediately. I told him what happened and it really didn’t make me feel better. After I picked up my grandma’s car, I tried to call him because it was after the girls’ bedtime so I figured that I would update him and maybe hear something comforting. I really didn’t hear anything so I wasn’t sure that he had not just answered the phone in a half-sleep stupor. Then, I got a text telling me that he was glad that everyone was okay and he really didn’t know what else to say to me. I told him that something comforting, maybe tell me that at least everyone is okay, maybe tell me that everything will be okay, I don’t know. I never heard back from him. Comfort was what I needed from him, and what I got instead hurt.

I was starting to feel sore as I started to relax so I took some medicine and two hours later, it is finally making me drowsy. Good night world.

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