“Never say goodbye…”


This is exactly what I am afraid of. I am afraid Alex (wow, I actually typed his real name) will forget me. I am afraid that he will let go of me and find the woman that can be all that he needs and wants. I am afraid that I will lose my friend. I am afraid I will never find a guy that will measure up to the standards that he has created for me. Worse, I am afraid that he will keep trying and begin to hate me. I am afraid that he will begin to resent me. I couldn’t live with that. I don’t know what I would do if he began to hate and resent me. I am afraid of pushing him back into the hole of despair that he says I pulled him out of.

Tonight, he actually compared our relationship to our marriages. Said that for us to keep trying is like either of us having stayed in our marriages. Is it that bad with us? Are we really fighting that much of a losing battle? The problem is, if he is right, then I will just become a distant memory. Someone he once knew. I don’t want that, but I do want him to be happy.

I’ll tell you one thing…when he does find the woman that can be everything he needs and wants, I will be the first person to tell her that she better not hurt him or the girl or I will kick her a**. That’s what friends are for, right? Who am I trying to kid?? When he finds her, we will lose touch. She won’t want him to have anything to do with me. That’s okay though. For one, I will know that he is happy. For two, I know that M&M will stand up for him. Just like M did to me.

I will never forget the first time I met up with the group without Alex. M told me that Alex was his best friend and he loved him. I looked him square in the eye and told him, “So do I.” One of the things I love about Alex is that he is so loved by so many people, especially me.

Numerous times, Alex has told me that he can’t do six kids. He can’t handle the way my kids treat me. He can’t handle how disrespectful my kids are. He tells me that he will never be able to handle it all. Yet, I still hold on. Numerous times he has question why I hold on when I know how he feels. It all comes down to two things. I love him and he shows me that he loves  me by trying. He could have, and by all rights should have, given up on me, on us, already. He hasn’t, at least not yet.

I guess I had better put this thing away since I am blind typing behind tears. The thought of losing him makes me want to curl up and cry until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I can’t do that though. I have to be an adult. I have to be here for my kids. I have to go to work. I have to put on a face and pretend that everything is okay. I cry myself to sleep at night wondering how much longer I will be able to call him mine. When I finally fall asleep, it is restless. I wake up often, checking my phone to see if he has sent me a text. Tonight is the second night in a row that I am sleeping in a pair of his pajama pants and one of his shirts while snuggling into another of his shirts just so I can pretend that he is close. Pretend that I am not losing him. Pretend…I hate that word. He always uses it in reference to the time we do get to spend together “pretending.”

I really am done now. I guess the summary of this all…I am scared that Alex is going to tell me goodbye and forget me forever.

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