Holding on tight


How do you know whether or not to hold on? I learned in my marriage that loving someone is not always a good enough reason to hold on to a relationship. I learned from friendships that time together is not always a good reason to hold on.

Sometimes, you look at the person that you love and know that they love you, but you also know more. You know their hopes, their dreams, their past, their passion, their fears…you know that you are not enough anymore. You can feel it in their touch, or the lack of. You can see it in their eyes. They want to hold on so much that it hurts, but there is so much in the way that you can feel their grip slipping. You’re holding on too, but you can feel them slipping through your fingertips. You love them so much that you know there is someone that is a better fit for them. Someone that can make them happy again. Someone that can be everything you can’t.

This is usually where fear steps in. How will I ever find someone as amazing? How can anyone love me as much? How can anyone ever listen to and hear me as much? How could anyone else touch me so tenderly? How could I ever love someone else as much? How can I live wondering about what could have been? How can we be just friends? How long will it take before I am just a memory?

I don’t want to let go, but I will if that is what is best for him and his girls. Maybe one day, life will bring him back into my arms. Whatever life has in store for us, I hope Alex and the girls get all the love and happiness they deserve.

All he has to do is tell me to leave him alone and I will. I have told him that from day one. What do we do? What is best for everyone?

I don’t even know what to do to try harder. I don’t know what options are left. I want to be us again. I don’t want the walls to keep going up around our hearts. Sunday, laying naked in his arms, I could feel his breath on my neck, I could hear his heartbeat, I could feel his love for me as his arms held me tight. I felt safe. I felt like everything was okay. Then we got up and reality was back. I cried all the way home because I was so scared that it would be the last time I would ever feel like that again; the last time I would be in his arms.

He says he could never forget me, I just hope he is right. I am sure that it won’t take long for some amazing woman to snatch him up. He is an amazing man with a lot of love for the woman that can be all he needs.

Don’t get me wrong, I will hold on to this as long as I can. I am invested in this. I love him and I will fight for this to work. But I won’t try to push him to stay if he feels like he can’t anymore. I love him too much for that. I just don’t think I can be the one to let go first.

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