Lunch time rant

What do you do when you are in a relationship, but neither of you know what to do about your relationship??

This is where Alex and I are at right now. I know, you read this almost every day from me. I love him. He loves me. Neither of us wants to walk away because we are scared, but neither of us knows what to do in order to make it work either. The recurring question… what do we do now??

I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I am the cause of his unhappiness. I hate feeling alone. I hate not knowing what is going on with us from one minute to the next. I love him. I love his smile. I love his touch. I love his smell. I love the way he looks when he is sleeping. I love way he thinks about everyone else first, the way he cares about everyone. I love the way he treats GM. I love the way that he looks at me. I love that I feel safe with his arms around me.

I am the one on the front lines of all that upsets and frustrates him. I am the one that has to deal with the disappointment in my children when they don’t hear from their father and haven’t seen him in almost a month. I am the one that has to hear “I want Daddy” every single day. I am the one who has to deal with the hormones of a preteen girl and a pubescent boy. I am the one that has to clean up the pieces when no one wants to be around us. I am the one that has to console them when they think that Alex hates them. I am the one who has to listen to how unfair it is that we never do anything fun. I am the one that sits in a house full of kids feeling alone because I don’t have anyone to share my frustrations with. Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and let me vent. Yes, I know I can be negative. What do you expect?

I need and want him. I know he can be that man. He was that man. Then life got in the way even more.

Timing has never been on my side in life. Just once, I want things to go my way. I want to know that just once, I can be the one that life hands a pass to. The one that gets to be truly happy. When will it be my turn. When can I have my dreams come true?