Well S**t


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I love this picture because I think it fully explains how I feel about my life lately. I know that these posts have not gotten very personal over the last few days. I am trying to sort through some things in my head and my heart and I am not sure that I am ready to put any of it into words.

I feel like I have lost Alex. Neither one of us know what we are doing or what we are holding onto and I am afraid that we are holding on to what was. I still have hope for what could be, but I don’t want to hold him back if he does not feel the same. I know he loves me, he always will because that is the kind of guy he is. I just don’t know…I don’t even know how to put it into words.

He has really come through for me over the last few days and rescued me financially. I hate it. I hate that I had to even tell him that I was having problems. I hate to admit that I can’t do this alone. There is so much lately that I feel I need help with and my finances are only the beginning. I feel like I have no one to talk to, someone to just listen. Yes, I know that sometimes I can be a extremely negative. I am sorry. Life sucks for me right now. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I have great things and great people in my life, but lately I just feel like I am alone. There is that word again. Yes, I am always surrounded by people, but I still feel alone.

20131205-220525.jpgChallenges. That is an understatement. It feels like every single time things start to look up with us, we end up here. Where neither of us knows what is going on. I have not taken my ring off because I still want him. I want us. I am still willing to give this my all. My fear is that we will keep pushing this and we will end up losing our friendship also. He was my best friend. I knew that he was there and I could tell him anything. Lately, I find that I am questioning myself about whether or not what I am going to text him is something he will even care about. No more are there the texts first thing in the morning just so I knew he was thinking about me when he woke up. I don’t text him when I first get up either, but it is not because I am not thinking about him. I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thing I do is look at my phone to see if he has sent me anything. No more texts telling me good night and sweet dreams. I fall asleep at night with my phone in my hand waiting…No more is the romance. Yes, I am unhappy with our relationship right now. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner. I miss my love. I miss my boyfriend. I miss the man who couldn’t wait to get me alone. I miss the man who would ask for a picture just because I told him I was going to get in the shower. I miss the man who’s heart sped up when I touched his skin. I miss what we had. I would give anything to go back to what we were. I hate where we are. I am scared of getting my heart broken, but I am more afraid of losing my best friend forever.

I know that I am where I am in life because of choices that I have made. However, I cannot change those choices. Yes, part of me wishes that I could go back in time and tell myself not to trust KD and his charm. Yes, part of me wishes that I had stayed on track with my goals. Yes, part of me wishes that I had been able to follow my life plan that I had.  But, guess what? I can’t. I just have to live my life and handle things as they come my way.

I don’t want to feel so alone anymore. I am never alone, but I always feel so alone.

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