I love this picture because I think it fully explains how I feel about my life lately. I know that these posts have not gotten very personal over the last few days. I am trying to sort through some things in my head and my heart and I am not sure that I am ready to put any of it into words.
I feel like I have lost Alex. Neither one of us know what we are doing or what we are holding onto and I am afraid that we are holding on to what was. I still have hope for what could be, but I don’t want to hold him back if he does not feel the same. I know he loves me, he always will because that is the kind of guy he is. I just don’t know…I don’t even know how to put it into words.
He has really come through for me over the last few days and rescued me financially. I hate it. I hate that I had to even tell him that I was having problems. I hate to admit that I can’t do this alone. There is so much lately that I feel I need help with and my finances are only the beginning. I feel like I have no one to talk to, someone to just listen. Yes, I know that sometimes I can be a extremely negative. I am sorry. Life sucks for me right now. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I have great things and great people in my life, but lately I just feel like I am alone. There is that word again. Yes, I am always surrounded by people, but I still feel alone.
Challenges. That is an understatement. It feels like every single time things start to look up with us, we end up here. Where neither of us knows what is going on. I have not taken my ring off because I still want him. I want us. I am still willing to give this my all. My fear is that we will keep pushing this and we will end up losing our friendship also. He was my best friend. I knew that he was there and I could tell him anything. Lately, I find that I am questioning myself about whether or not what I am going to text him is something he will even care about. No more are there the texts first thing in the morning just so I knew he was thinking about me when he woke up. I don’t text him when I first get up either, but it is not because I am not thinking about him. I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thing I do is look at my phone to see if he has sent me anything. No more texts telling me good night and sweet dreams. I fall asleep at night with my phone in my hand waiting…No more is the romance. Yes, I am unhappy with our relationship right now. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner. I miss my love. I miss my boyfriend. I miss the man who couldn’t wait to get me alone. I miss the man who would ask for a picture just because I told him I was going to get in the shower. I miss the man who’s heart sped up when I touched his skin. I miss what we had. I would give anything to go back to what we were. I hate where we are. I am scared of getting my heart broken, but I am more afraid of losing my best friend forever.
I know that I am where I am in life because of choices that I have made. However, I cannot change those choices. Yes, part of me wishes that I could go back in time and tell myself not to trust KD and his charm. Yes, part of me wishes that I had stayed on track with my goals. Yes, part of me wishes that I had been able to follow my life plan that I had. But, guess what? I can’t. I just have to live my life and handle things as they come my way.
I don’t want to feel so alone anymore. I am never alone, but I always feel so alone.
- The Missing (fiftyshadesofdre.wordpress.com)
- Have you ever missed someone.. (townsendxo.wordpress.com)
- Some thoughts and wishes (annieruokk.wordpress.com)