So, I decided that I would try to blog everyday for the rest of this year. The way that I am going to accomplish this goal is to use various journal prompts. I am hoping that maybe this will help me get to know me.
The first on is “And then all of a sudden…”
The first thing that came to my mind was “I was in love.”
And then all of a sudden I was in love. That is how it was with Alex, all of a sudden. One moment he was my friend, the next moment I was in love with him. I never saw it coming. It is amazing to me that no matter how mad at him I think I am, in his arms is still where I want to be. I am scared. I am mad. I am upset. I want him to hold me so I know I am safe. So I know that I matter to someone.
I grew up learning that what I wanted didn’t matter to anyone. I wanted my mom, but she was never there. I wanted time with my dad, but it always had to be family time. I wanted to go on dates, but no one ever asked. I wanted to be “normal,” but I never fit in. Then I wanted my happy ever after, but even that didn’t work out. Now, I want to be loved for the package I am. I want romance. I still want happy ever after. I want Alex. I want my kids to be the kids I know they can be. I want to matter to someone. I want to be surprised. Alex does that. He surprises me. Things that most people would say “so what” to, make me happy. A bobbin case for my sewing machine. A gentle kiss. Walking up behind me, putting his arms around my waist, his breath on my neck. Coming to the couch and laying his head in my lap just to be close to me, even though it hurts him to be there. The text message just asking me to send him a picture because he misses me. I know he loves me. I don’t question that. I just wonder if I ask too much of him. I wonder if he would be happier if I just let go so he could find someone who could be there for him and the girls. Someone without so much baggage.
Wow. I guess it worked. I strayed from the topic, but I guess it did get me typing.
And then all of a sudden…
I am sorry my love. I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry that I have asked so much of you. I am sorry that I have put you through so much. I am sorry that time is always an issue and there is never enough of it. Forgive me? Stay with me? Be mine? Don’t let go.