A heavy heart and a full mind, but no idea where to start. Just start typing. If only it were that easy. Sounds a lot like the rest of my life. So much that needs to be said and/or done, but no idea how to say it or where to start.
I started yesterday with a headache. Took some acetaminophen about 9:40 and it started to go away. Got a flu shot about 11:40 and my headache started to come back around 12:45. As I was driving home from work, I suddenly felt like someone was giving me a bear hug. I could breathe fine, but it was weird. I called the insurance nurse line and they wanted me to pull over and call an ambulance. I told her I was close to the hospital and would just go in. I got to the hospital about 4:40. I had all of the kids with me. #3 and #4 were being brats the whole time. #1 was worried about me and #2 was trying to help.
The tightness in my chest subsided, but by that time my migraine was so bad I could hardly see or think. I called KD’s mom, my stepdad’s mom, Neen, and BFF to see if one of them could come pick up the kids to take them home for me because it was almost 6 and it was obvious I was going to be there a while. Finally, I called CE to see if there was any way that he could help me out. Of course, he came and got them. Once he dropped them off at home, he came back and sat with me until they finally took me to a room about 7:10. All my vitals were normal. They did an EKG and all looked fine, but of course the tightness had subsided already. Alex let me know that GM had taken the girls and he was at home. That hurt. As soon as GM took the girls, he should have come just so I wasn’t alone. He asked if I wanted him to come up and I told him I didn’t know. I couldn’t see or think straight. Besides, why was he even asking?
The doctor finally came in about 8. He checked a few things, told me he was going to give me imitrex and fenigren for my migraine. He told me to give it 15 minutes to make sure I didn’t have a reaction and I could go home if it was feeling better. He also said that if it wasn’t feeling better, he would give me a shot of pain medicine, but I would need a ride home. They gave me the shots for the imitrex and fenigren about 8:30 and I laid there in pain for the next three and a half hours before I finally saw someone other than the technician that was checking my vitals. When the nurse came in, she discharged me. I told her what the doctor had said and she asked if I wanted to wait. I told her that I didn’t know if I could still get a ride home and I had already been waiting for three hours.
Alex had told me that he would give me a ride home, but I realized that he had fallen asleep when he didn’t text me back. That was about 10:30 or so. I felt alone. I felt like no one cared. I felt like I had no one. The kids kept calling me and there was nothing I could do. I text Mom, Dad, Alex, and CE when I left the hospital. CE asked me who was driving me and I told him I was driving myself because they never gave me the pain medication so I didn’t need a driver. Then he asked the question I had been waiting for since he picked up the kids for me…where is Alex? I told him that Alex had had the girls, but I assumed that now he was asleep because I hadn’t heard from him. CE told me that he was mad. I told him I was too. Then I said that I was more hurt than angry. That is what friends are for, to listen and call you out on your shit. I cried all the way home because my migraine hurt so bad and I felt so alone. When I got home at 12, #1 was still awake because she was so worried about me. I got her to bed and crawled into my bed. I sent a long text to Alex about how I felt and cried myself to sleep. When he responded to my text this morning, he told me that I kept telling him not to worry about it and I should have listened to him and just went home. Wow. Thanks.
Didn’t get much sleep because the pain from my migraine and the injection sites kept waking me up. Then, #4 woke up puking at 3. Got her all taken care of and went back to sleep, sort of. Got up as usual, and dropped everyone off. Got to work, took one phone call and got sent home. Called my doctor to see when I could take more of my imitrex. Took one and stopped at Alex’s for a one hour nap before he left. I could have stayed longer, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to. As I was leaving, he told me that he was sorry I was mad at him. I told him I wasn’t mad, I was hurt. He never even tried to hug me when I was there.
I stopped at the daycare, picked up #4 and went home. Set her up with a movie and curled up on the couch. She woke me up to make her lunch and then we both napped from about 12-3. I felt better after the nap. My headache was gone. However, it is back now. I am going to take some acetaminophen and go to bed. 3/4 are in bed and #4 has been good about getting herself to bed and still getting up in the mornings.
I don’t know what to do about Alex. Last night, I was ready to give up. I was so hurt. I felt alone. When the registration lady asked me if KD’s mom was still my emergency contact I responded with “God no!” When she asked me who to put down, I told her I didn’t know. Finally, I gave her Alex’s name and number. I sent him a text tonight about how upset I was and he seemed to get mad at me. He asked how many times he had to say he was sorry. Sometimes saying sorry isn’t enough.
He has pushed and pushed. I keep giving him everything, but it just isn’t enough. I will never be what he wants as long as I have my kids. I have said it before and I will say it again, no one wants a woman with four kids. I get that I am a lot to handle. I get that my kids are a lot to handle. I get that no guy is ever going to want that, least of all Alex.
I don’t want to let go of him, but I am starting to wonder if it would be best for him and the girls if I did. He is already pulling away and has been for a while. I don’t want it to end, but I don’t want to hate him when and if it does either.
I am tired of feeling so alone. I am tired of feeling like nothing I do is enough. I am tired of feeling like I am failing everyone around me. I just want to be loved for who I am. I want to be loved as a package deal. I want to be respected. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to know that I am loved and respected. I want to know that when I need someone by my side to hold my hand, I won’t be crying alone in a hospital bed.
- Migraine Headaches: Phases, Triggers, & Treatments (mnphysicalmedicine.com)
- Cluster Headaches: The Worst Possible Pain? (theatlantic.com)