Late Night Ramblings to Clear My Mind


I have decided that I am going to take advantage of the fact that I will be alone from the time KD picks up the kids from me tomorrow until GM gets the girls from Alex on Saturday. I am not exactly sure what I will do yet. I do have some ideas though:

  • Clean house (boring)
  • Crafting (have a REALLY cute dress planned for #4)
  • Go to a movie (the discount theater got a recent make over)
  • Take a bath (after buying bath salts)
  • Read
  • Watch a movie
  • Go to work on Saturday (make up for today)

Lofty ideas, I know. We all know what will actually happen. I will sit on my couch, or in my bed, and watch a movie while I crochet tomorrow night. I will have the intention of getting up Saturday morning to work bright and early, but will decide that I like sleep better. Actually, I might just set it up so that I don’t have a choice about working on Saturday morning, maybe set up a shift swap to cover today. Or Alex and the girls will call and I will come running.

I probably could have gone to work today, but I had called in sick at like 11:00 last night. #4 puked all over the bathroom floor. I got her showered, let her snuggle with me on the couch, and set up a little bed on my bedroom floor with a puke bowl next to her. Within 15 minutes of getting her tucked in, she was screaming because she puked all over my floor, she couldn’t even make it to the bowl that was right next to her. Got her and the floor cleaned up. Set her up a new spot on my floor, with more towels this time, and sang her to sleep. Then, while sitting on my bed and watching a movie (The City of Your Final Destination, not so impressed) I heard her making noises so I paused the movie to check on her. She started dry heaving in the bowl. That was when I decided that she did not need to go to daycare today. I heard her dry heaving one other time in the night, but no actual puking. This morning, she was fine. I guess something just did not agree with her tummy. I am not to disappointed though. I enjoyed spending the day with her. We watched a movie (Frankenweenie), watched a show on Netflix (Dinosaurs, I remember watching that when it first came out…”Not the mamma!”), napped,  and just spent time doing nothing. I wish I had the time and ability to do that more often with each of the kids. They all need more individualized attention. I know that is something I should have thought about before I had four, but I never expected to be where I am.

I know KD was (and still is) so…I can’t even find the right word…but there was still two of us, even if he sucked at it most of the time. Also, I always knew that we could depend on his parents for help when it came to the kids.

This hysterectomy has got me feeling so alone. Alex is taking me and picking me up. My mom agreed to come get the kids from the bus, but seemed a little put out when I asked her if there was any way she could take the kids home with her until Thanksgiving. The state won’t pay for #4 to go to daycare the day of the surgery because I won’t be at work. The daycare wants to charge $35 for the day, yeah right, ‘cuz I have that. Alex suggested I talk to M&M (his best friends, both of their names start with M). I told him that I don’t hardly talk to them and that I felt uncomfortable calling just to ask for help. I did it anyways. #4 will spend the day with them. I just feel overwhelmed. I feel alone. It is so hard for me to ask for help anyways.

Alex said that he feels like he is failing me because he can’t handle all the kids. He has tried to convince me that it is not just my kids, it would be any kids. He is full of shit. I know all of the things that bother him about my kids. He isn’t failing me. I am failing him. I am failing my kids. I am failing his kids.

Not only am I losing him, but I am losing the girls too. I can feel them pulling away. I can see it. I can feel it. Some days I wonder if the three of them would be better off if I just disappeared from their lives. The girls are seeing me less and less so I really don’t think they would even notice. Alex would notice, but not for long. Some woman is going to come into his life that can be everything him and the girls need. Obviously I can’t do that. I could, I would just have to give up my kids to do it. I won’t do that. I won’t give them up for anything.

I want to get married again someday. I want to be happy. I want someone who thinks I am beautiful and makes me believe I am (Alex is the first person to ever do that for me). I want someone who believes in me, believes in himself, believes in us. I want romance. Write me a note. Surprise me. Buy me flowers. Turn on the music and dance with me in the middle of the room. I want to be that couple that others want to be because they can see the love between us. I want someone who is determined, goal-oriented, and smart. I want to fall asleep in his arms at night. I want to cuddle on the couch watching movies. I want a kiss goodnight every night, a kiss hello every evening, and a kiss goodbye every time one of us leaves because you never know. I want someone who listens to me and hears what I say (I love that Alex remembers things I don’t even remember I told him), someone who I can just sit and listen to. I want someone I feel safe with, safe enough to open up.

Above all, I want to be loved. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I have been alone my whole life. Until two years ago, I don’t remember a time in my life that I remember not feeling alone. Since we started texting, Alex made me feel like someone cared, like I had someone who cared. When I did feel alone, all I had to do was close my eyes and there he was. If I was upset, I could text him, call him. I knew he would be there. I feel like I have lost him. He made a comment the other night that sometimes he wonders what we are holding on to, so do I. I love him, but sometimes loving someone means letting go of them so they can find what they need, even if they don’t know what that is.

I think it is amazing how Pandora seems to read my mind sometimes. First, it played Luke Bryan‘s song, Do I. Then, Kenny Chesney‘s Better as a Memory. I find it ironic that Better as a Memory would come on as I am typing how sometimes loving someone means letting them go. Then a song to remind me how I felt when things were just starting, Just a Kiss from Lady Antebellum.

The doctor expects that I will recover fairly quick from the hysterectomy. He is doing it laparoscopic, robotic-assisted, vaginal. Meaning there will be two small incisions in my belly. One for the camera and one for the tools. The doctor will control the robotic tools and he will remove everything vaginally. He will be removing my uterus, cervix, and fallopian tubes. He said that he had one lady that had the surgery on Tuesday and called him on Thursday to be released to work. As stubborn as I am, it is probably a good thing that I am doing it two days before Thanksgiving.

Well, I guess I should stop rambling and go to bed. I am sorry for jumping all over the place tonight. I just have so much on my mind and needed to get it out so that I could get some sleep. I watched a movie first (The King’s Speech), hoping that it would help, but it didn’t. It was a good movie, but not good enough to distract me.

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