Friday Morning 7:30 AM
Alex came over last night, but it just felt….different. I am afraid that we are on our way down. We will see how this weekend goes. If it is the same negative crap with the awkwardness all weekend, I think it will be time to just back off and give him his space. He needs to figure out what him and the girls need because I am obviously not fulfilling that.
Monday Evening 6:00 PM
I am not sure what to say about this weekend. I told KD to “F***ing grow up!” Not exactly my best moment, but it was after he threatened to call the police because I refused to send #2’s viola with him for the weekend. Really?? I was so stressed out and decided to stop at Winco to get a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonades. When I got to the check out, I realized I could not find my license. Really?
I called my mom and talked to her for the entire 20 minute drive to Alex’s place so that I could release some of my stress and anger before I got there. I was still feeling a little tense when I got there, but Alex gave me a hug and I felt all of the stress and tension melt away. That, my friends, is one of the reasons that I stick around. He has always had this amazing effect on me when I am upset and he wraps his arms around me.
Woke up to Alex cuddling up to me and saying good morning to me, or so I thought. Then his good morning was followed by, “welcome to my world GM. If you don’t like it, then leave.” I pretended like I was asleep still until I realized that he was still asleep. I was definitely awake after that. Then he actually woke up and I told him what he had said. He told me that he did not remember anything, but maybe I should not have cut all my hair off. Really??
The rest of Saturday was fairly mellow. A1 and I had a little bit of an issue because I told her she was being whiny and she did not like that. I told her to quit whining then. Other than that, we had an okay time. After GM picked up the girls, Alex and I ran to the store to pick up a few things for his grandparents because they weren’t feeling well. By the end of the visit with them, we convince them that his grandpa needed to go to the hospital. We left and then got a call that his grandpa did not have enough strength to get to the car. 911 got called, we followed the ambulance with his grandma, and then we sat at the emergency room while they decided what was going on with his grandpa. While we were standing there, Alex looked at me and pointed at his neck. He was referring to the fact that my ring was on my necklace. I answered him by saying about a week.
You see, I took my ring off last weekend when I did felt like he had given up on us. I couldn’t bear taking it all the way off, but I couldn’t stand looking at it either. He didn’t notice Tuesday or Thursday evening when he saw me. He did not notice all night Friday or even until about 5:00 PM Saturday night.
When we went home, I was laying on the couch and he came over and curled up behind me on the couch to hold me. Then said something about me giving up on him, but I haven’t given up. I told him how I felt. Then we went to bed.
Sunday, I tried to talk to him multiple times. I told him that we needed to talk. I told him what was on my mind, but all he could say was that he didn’t know what to say. So, this morning before I left I asked him not to give up on us and he said he was trying so I put my ring back on. I wasn’t sure if he noticed so I texted him a picture of it back on my finger and told him not to give up on us and if he just can’t anymore to just tell me flat out. He freaked out on me because I waited until I left to put it on after “shoving it in his face” all weekend. That looking at it around my neck was as bad as when GM made him sleep in the basement.
I responded with two texts:
All weekend? You didn’t even notice until Saturday night. Why do you think that I kept trying to talk to you? I wanted to know if you are still here with me. You wouldn’t even talk to me. I did it before I left this morning. If its too late, tell me now. I don’t have enough energy to fight if I’ve already lost you. I’m here if you decide I’m what you want, but if I’m not what you want, tell me and get it over with.
I’m sorry me not having it on my finger hurt you. That was not my intention. I couldn’t bear taking it off completely, but I couldn’t stand looking at either. I love you and I feel lost. I do know that I was incredibly stressed and upset when I got there Friday night, but as soon as you wrapped your arms around me, I felt like it all melted away.
We went back and forth via email and text this afternoon. He said he hasn’t “necessarily” given up on us, but he is losing hope that it will get better. So I asked what that meant for us and he said he doesn’t know. I offered to give him some space so he could figure it out because I don’t want to push him anymore. He told me he gets too much space and that is the problem. I told him I can’t change that. The last thing that I got from him was just a few minutes ago telling me that part of him wants to give up, but more of him is afraid of losing me. I am afraid that part is going to get smaller and I am going to lose him.
I love him. I have faith in him. I believe in him. I believe in us. I believe that if we can just make it through the next year, we have a better chance. I don’t know what to do. I love him.
#2 started the behavior program today. I would like to be able to tell you that KD showed up, but then I would be lying. According to the coordinator, he called and scheduled a meeting with her for tomorrow. I just do not understand why he could not show up today so that we could do this together as his parents. Oh, but just ask the commissioner, it is a shared parenting plan. (Yes, he actually had the nerve to lecture me about that at our hearing on Tuesday, but no one would let me say anything. Either I communicate too much or not enough for them. I just do not understand. I have told him about every appointment as soon as it is made and also tell him what happens at the appointments if he doesn’t show up.)
I do not know what to do with these children anymore. I really hope that this program gives me better ways to deal with them. I am going to try to implement the techniques with all of them.
I hate Mondays after they have been with KD all weekend. They are all so difficult, especially the older two. I have had so many problems with all of them tonight that I have everyone in bed by 7:35 PM. Well, 8:00 PM.