So much is on my mind and yet nothing is flowing to my fingers. I guess I should take Alex’s advice from a previous post, “Just start typing.” I miss him so much. I hate this. I hate not talking to him, not seeing him, not really playing our word games, not getting texts from him, not sharing things with him, not hearing his voice, not feeling him, not even smelling him (unless you count his shirt that I sprayed with his cologne). I feel lost.
I got an interesting call at eight o’clock this morning. It was a check recovery company asking for me with my married name. I gathered enough information from the gentleman to find out that it was a check written from mine and KD’s joint account that I took my name off of in April 2012. I no longer have an open account with that bank that I am aware of. I called the bank and anyone that can answer my questions is not in on the weekends. I called the check place back a couple of times because I had additional questions so that I could file a police report. It took a lot of work, but I got the information that told me the date, amount, and location that the check was written. I called the store and explained the situation to the manager on duty. He told me that could pull the video, but would have to provide it directly to law enforcement. I told him that I was 99.9% certain who the perpetrator was and I asked if he could tell me the driver’s license number that was used (mine was not matching what the check place had, but supposedly mine was the only name on the check). He said he could not, but told me I could tell him what I thought it was. When I rattled off KD’s driver’s license number he said ok in a tone that let me know that it matched. I then called and made a police report. I told them the suspect’s name and that the manager at the store would have the video for them. I got a police report number and will call to find out who the assigned detective is on Wednesday. On Monday, I will be calling the bank to get the documentation to provide to the check place to prove when my name was removed from the account. I will also be asking them to pull the records to see how many other checks have been written and bounced with my name on them. That was an hour and a half of my morning. I think KD’s Karma bus might be on it’s way.
The rest of the morning and early afternoon did not go to bad. Had some major late afternoon issues, but we got through them as a family and all is okay now. Right as the first issues started, I let Alex know that we were just going to stay home. I had invited them all out for dinner and he turned me down, but said that we could come out there. He didn’t seem to take it well when I told him no and then he accused me of just pulling away and saying goodbye. I told him that wasn’t it at all. We went back and forth a little, but left it fairly distant.
Later, I told him that I feel like him and the girls need more than I will ever be able to be. They all need someone who can be there more physically, he has said it himself. My kids and my ex are too much, another thing that he has told me. I just want them to be happy, even if it means that I have to lose them. There are very few things that I would not do to see the three of them happy and smiling. I told him that I feel the three of them would have a better chance of being happy if they were not tied down to us, then the perfect woman can find him and be all that they need and deserve. Then he said, “Fine.” I got upset. Why can he tell me how he feels, negative or not, but when I say how I feel it’s wrong. He tells me that he is just doing what I constantly tell him he needs. I told him that he has told me all of this.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. He says he is still scared that he will turn around and some other guy will take me away even though I am not looking, or he will screw things up. I told him that no matter how many times he has tried to push me away, I am still here. I have learned that the best thing to do when he gets like this is to give him his space, but remind him that I am still here. I have no intention of going away unless he tells me to. I love him more than he knows.
I just want all seven of the most important people in my life to be happy. I feel like I just might be getting somewhere with this KD situation and I feel like I am losing or have lost everyone else in my life.
Speaking of losing people, I have thought about writing a letter to my grandmother. I know her well enough to know that she put a forwarding order in with the post office and I think that she needs to know how I feel. At this point, what is she going to do? She already ran away from home and moved out of state.
Well, tomorrow is an early morning. I promised the kids that we would go to church in the morning and I need to finish my answers to the GAL so that I can give them to my attorney tomorrow or Tuesday.