What a weekend. You can interpret that however way you want.
On Thursday night, I got to see my Daddy. It had been a year since the last time I saw him. He picked up the kids from daycare and took them to eat ice cream. Him and I sat and talked and then we all went to dinner. It was very nice. I know that I miss him, but I don’t think I ever realize how much until I see him again.
Then, Friday I spent the entire day with Alex and the girls. We sat around relaxing, went to lunch, and then Despicable Me 2. I told Alex that I am thinking of moving to his side of town after I get my tax return next year. He brought up the possibility of us moving in together when that time comes. It is something we have talked about before, but obviously not something we have acted on. It was a great day. I felt like I was part of a family again. Picked up my kids and Alex invited us to come out there for swimming and to stay the night. He was in an okay mood. A little grouchy because he had jolted his back and hurt, but okay. My kids always irritate him. I know that. I know part of it is the difference in expectations. Part of it is the stress of so many kids.
Saturday morning started out okay. There were only a couple of small squabbles, but then #2 started one of his fits. I could feel the distance between Alex and I grow. He and the girls went to brunch with his grandparents and my kids and I stayed and did laundry. We all went to his grandparents’ to go swimming in their pool and everyone behaved. Then it was time to pick up #1. She was home from her mission trip in San Francisco!! I gave her and Alex the option of what we were going to do. Either we could go home, or we could go out there. Everyone was okay with us going to Alex’s.
#1 was having a rough evening because the trip did not go as she expected. The other kids were rude, except one girl and the homeless people “freaked” her out. So she was in the girls’ room crying. When she finally came out, she was pouting in a corner. When it was time for bed, #1 wanted #4 to snuggle her and A1 wanted to snuggle #1, but #4 did not want to snuggle and #1 did not want to snuggle A1. A1 went into Alex’s room to snuggle him for a minute while I calmed #1 down. When I went to bed, there was barely room for me, I offered to take A1 to her room, but Alex said no. I could not get comfortable on my side because my legs felt like they were falling asleep. I could not fall asleep on my back because A1 had half the bed and Alex was on his side next to her so there wasn’t enough room. I played on my phone for a bit hoping that my legs would quit freaking out and Alex woke up telling me to put my phone away and go to sleep. I wanted to cuddle with him. I wanted to be held. Yes, last night I was jealous of his eight year old daughter. I know I should not have been, but I was. I ended up lying on my back on the floor next to his bed and that was where I slept.
This morning was tense. I would have left earlier than I did, but #1 was asleep and I had no urge to wake her up. A1 and A2 were upset that I was leaving, but I explained to at least one of them that I thought they needed some quiet time with Daddy. Besides, I needed to get dinner together so that we could all have dinner for #1 and #4’s birthdays. They came over and he was silent in the corner of my couch. I wanted to snuggle him, I wanted him to hold me, but I barely got a hug. I don’t know what to do when he gets in these moods; they scare me because this is usually when he breaks up with me and tells me that he can’t do this anymore.
Then he texts me and tells me that he can feel the distance between us, that it doesn’t feel like there is any unstressed time for us lately, and that it doesn’t seem to be getting better. So, I told him,
Then break up with me again. I don’t know [Alex]. I am trying. I am sorry my ex is a dick. I am sorry that we only get every other weekend and maybe an evening or two every other week. I am sorry that it has been almost a month since we had a weekend for us. I am sorry that my kids and I make things harder and more stressful for you and your kids. I really do love you and the girls. I always feel like I am letting at least one of the seven of you down. I feel like I am never enough, never going to be enough.
Then I hit send. Who am I kidding? I don’t want him to break up with me. I love him. I want us all to be a family, but even more I want him to be happy and I am obviously not doing that anymore. I just add more stress and complicate his life more.
I wish I had a girlfriend or a sister that I could call up to come over when I feel like this. I just want someone to understand me. Isn’t that what we all want?