Just start typing…

Told Alex that I feel like I should be able to sit here and type a big long blog post, but all I was doing was staring at the blank screen. He told me to just start typing. Now, I don’t know what else to type. I am still staring at a blank screen with loads on my mind and heart. Sometimes, I type without thinking and it doesn’t come out right; sometimes it sounds right to me, but it is interpreted wrong. I don’t type my feelings to make anyone feel bad or feel guilty; I type to get it off my chest and help myself try to get some rest.

I got a text from Alex yesterday morning that A2 was asking for me first thing in the morning. She had her mom and her dad, but she wanted me. My original plan was to stop by the hospital on my way home from work, but #2 had been coughing so much on Monday night that we stayed home all day. So, #4 and I went up to see A2 at the hospital. She was doing well, but it was obvious that she was exhausted. I stayed as long as I could keep #4 mellow and then headed home. When Alex and A2 were on the way home, they called me because A2 wanted to talk to me. Alex thanked me for coming up, but told me that he needed to talk to me about it later. Of course, this sent my mind on a mental hunt for everything that I said and did while up at the hospital that might have upset one of them. Finally, I laid down for a little while because I was exhausted. When Alex finally did text me, he told me that GM had been a little upset because A2 was crying for me first thing in the morning while GM was sitting right next to her. As a mom, I am sorry because I have an idea of how I would feel; selfishly, I smiled to know that she wanted me. Alex told me last night that she was asking for me again.

I decided to take #2 to the doctor to have his cough looked at and they said it was post nasal drip and prescribed Sudafed and Flonase to clear his nose up, hopefully before an infection begins. He was awake crying because he couldn’t stop coughing long enough to fall asleep until after midnight last night.

Told Alex that I would take A1 to the babysitter for him on my way to work this morning. Went to work. Messaged with Alex a few times. When I asked him to give her a kiss for me, he told me that she was pouting because I was not there, but when I did get there I would have to leave to get my kids. That broke my heart. I stopped by there after work and she was in great spirits.

Then, I warned her that I had about 30 minutes left before I had to leave. Shortly after that, she started to get pouty. She ran off to her room. I followed her and asked her what was wrong and she told me that she wanted her mommy. I was okay with that. Then she went into wanting me there and asking why I couldn’t have just one kid. I told her how much I love her and A1. She got mad and told me that I loved my kids more, but I tried to explain to her that I love her and A1 just as much as I love my own kids and I consider the two of them as part of my kids. It was taking all my effort not to start crying. Alex came in and sat and she told him that she doesn’t get to see me enough and my eyes started to tear up. Alex went out and I sat with her for a little longer. During that time, she told me how much she wanted me to be at the doctor with her the whole time, but I had only stayed for “ten minutes.” Then, it was time for me to leave so I grabbed Alex for her. As I was putting on my shoes I heard her crying to him that she didn’t want me to leave and she wished I didn’t have any kids so they could have me all the time. I stood there and cried. I went in and gave her one last hug and told her that I would stop by tomorrow and Friday after work to see her. Alex told her we would try to do something this weekend too. I got out the front door and lost it. I bawled like a baby for like five minutes. I love them and it feels like I am hurting them so much by being around. I hate to see them so upset. All I could think was that I’m not enough for any of my six kids. My own kids tell me I don’t spend enough time with them, but I am apparently not spending enough time with the other two either. What, then, am I doing with all my time? I wish I knew.

#3 and #4 are showered and in bed. #1 and #2 are watching a movie. I think now that I have finished this post, I am going to climb into my bed and play on my phone until I pass out in my bed.