I am pretty sure that it really is that I want to disappear. I can’t seem to be the parent that my kids need. I can’t be the consistant female A1 and A2 need. I can’t be everything that Alex needs. Who would really notice? I can go days without talking to my mom before she notices, especially when my step dad is there. I can go weeks without talking to my dad or my step mom. BFF doesn’t call me, doubt she would notice if I was gone. Alex would text me after a half day and make sure everything was okay, but he needs so much more than I am. The seven most important people in my life need more than I am and more than I think I can ever be. I don’t want to disappear because I love these seven people more than any of them will ever understand, but they all deserve better and more.
Somedays I feel like my kids would have been better off had I never left KD. Yes, we fought, but at least I was there to protect them. Now, I feel like he does things to them just to make my life difficult.
Yes, I am rambling. I have had another migraine for about 2 hours. It came out of nowhere. Kalidescope, nausea, and all. Took my medicine and am just sitting on my bed. It is starting to take effect now.
Dinner for my birthday has turned into just Alex and I. We will be doing dinner with the girls on Saturday night. GM and I agreed that we would come up with a night to go out for dinner with her, the girls, and I.
Tonight Alex essentially told me that we are headed for complete shit. I asked him why he even bothers then. He told me that he wonders the same thing with me and then we get time alone. I told him I didn’t know what to say because I don’t.
He bought a new bottle of his cologne this weekend. He sprayed me with it while I was there today. I forgot how that smell makes me feel. A random wiff of it and I just start smiling. It makes me feel safe, but that is how he makes me feel. I feel like everything is right with the world when we are together. Too bad we have to come back to reality eventually.
Tomorrow night, my baby girl gets welcomed into the junior high youth group, officially. I cannot believe that she is that old. Somedays, she acts like it. Then other days, she acts like she is two and I just don’t know what to do with her. I know that she is frustrated and has bottled a great deal of emotions inside, but she needs to quit taking it out on those close to her and actually deal with the emotions. I guess i really have no room to talk on that one. I kept it all locked inside out of fear for many years.
Somedays, I feel no less alone than I did when I was married to KD. Alex is right, when we are together, things are great. Then we have to bring my kids into things and it all goies to shit.
Having trouble typing. time to say good night.