There. Now I have screamed. I wish typing a scream was as satisfying as actually screaming. I want to drive out to the middle of nowhere and scream at the top of my lungs. Not that it would make me feel better, but it sounds like it would relieve some stress.
Work was fairly uneventful. I am under a new supervisor so I moved desks. Sat quietly and worked on my crochet project. Had a few short conversations. People asking how my weekend was, how things are going…these people see me often enough that I cannot lie to them. I can try, but no one buys it. Apparently, as a good friend told me last night, I don’t hide my emotions well. How was my weekend? It was a four-day weekend that started with my ex-husband bailing on his children (via text on Thursday) and ended with my getting dumped (via email on Tuesday). In between the two, I had a really nice Friday with Alex. Then I had brats (understatement) for children for the rest of the weekend. My daughter made A2 cry so hard that she was red and blotchy, more than once. I don’t blame Alex for putting a stop to our relationship, him and the girls don’t need the crap me and mine bring.
I am so frustrated with the whole situation right now. Prior to all of this, he had asked me to meet him for a drink after class tomorrow night because a friend of his wants to meet me. Then, I assumed that we would spend the weekend together after the girls went back to GM. Last night I asked him if he wanted to do something Saturday night and if he still wanted me to meet him tomorrow night. He told me that he didn’t know. “What would we do? How awkward would it feel? You’re already questioning how we can be friends?” I told him that I want to stay friends, but don’t know how that will look since he doesn’t want to be around my kids. “Let’s skip Thursday, you have [#1] and should stay home with her….Lets play Saturday by ear for now.” Then tonight he tells me that tomorrow night is my call. I reminded him that he said no. “No, I said you should be there for [#1] the way she has been acting, but that’s not my call to mak, you’re her parent. I am saying tomorrow night is up to you.” We went back and forth and I asked him what he wanted me to do and he said nevermind. All I wanted to know was if he wanted me there. #1 would not be an issue because she would be asleep by then and I told him that. I know that he invited me because this friend of his from his last class wants to meet me because she has heard so much about me. Our emails were fairly consistent all afternoon, almost like nothing had changed.
Last night, he was all bent out of shape because I changed my relationship status on Facebook. As if I was doing it just so that I could announce to everyone that I was available. Really? HELLO!! Anyone in there? I don’t want anyone else, I want YOU! I changed it so that if there is someone that is interested in him, his profile won’t show that he is in a relationship.
Bought my books for next quarter! My credit on Amazon.com paid for all of it, except $17.99!! I was so excited!
Did something fairly typical of myself tonight. Changed my hair color again. It is now a dark brown with an auburn tint. My hair is something that I have control over. If I feel like I am losing control, I change my hair. I know this. At least I didn’t chop it all off like I have in the past.
Didn’t do any homework last night. Still haven’t done any tonight. trying to decide whether I am going to do some of it, or just go to bed and do it tomorrow night. Reality says that I will probably do some of it tonight because I don’t want to have to do it all tomorrow night. I only have 2 chapters to do before tomrrow at midnight.
I hate this! I know that I have not been on top of keeping this blog up to date, but I haven’t felt like I needed to. I had Alex to talk to. I didn’t need to vent to anyone else. Now, I need to vent because I don’t know what things really look like between us. Can I really still text him whenever I feel like it, or should I just leave him be most of the time? How much do I text him? Do I still text him first thing in the morning and right before I go to sleep so that he still knows that he is the first and last thought on my mind each day? What do I do?
Now you know why I want that scream. Now you know why it wasn’t near satisfying enough.