What do I do??

How do you force children to behave? I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel helpless and hopeless when it comes to their behavior. They are all disrespectful brats. I take full blame for their behavior. These kids have been my responsibility and I have blown it. I was have been too worried about everything else to see what was has been going on with my own children.

I have been trying to put my foot down, but I don’t feel like I am getting anywhere. It feels like it is only getting worse. #1 told me today that it isn’t my fault. “We used to be good Mom, but Dad has no rules.” It was before the split that my kids’ behavior began to decline, but it was sweet of her to try. I was trying to hide my tears from her, but she noticed. I feel like a failure everytime my kids behave poorly.

Not sure what to do anymore. #1 told me that I don’t spend enough time with them. That I am always worried about Alex, A1, and A2. When it has to do with them, yes I am worried about them. I miss the way things were. However, I guess now we cannot pretend that someday we may be able to make the eight of us work. As much as I have had the kids, we now know that it will never work for the eight of us to be a family unit. Well, at least not until my three oldest have moved out of the house.

Alex keeps telling me that one of these days I am going to find a guy that will be able to love me, love my kids, and put up with KD with me; I disagree. Even if I wanted to find someone else, when exactly am I supposed to do that? How would I even begin? I have no life. I work and I have my kids. that pretty much sums up my life.

Yes, I know I am being dramatic today. Alex has done more for me than I could ever explain, but all me and mine have done is cause more pain for him and the girls. I don’t want that.

Tonight is very definitely an early night for me. I didn’t harldy sleep at all last night. A2 decided that it was okay for me to sleep with Alex again, but he sent me to A1’s bed (#1, A1, and A2 were having a slumber party in the living room). I was laying there playing on my phone when A2 decided that she was not going to sleep in the living room anymore and I offered for her to climb in with me. I dozed in and out, but I was sore from sleeping up against the wall on one side all night. I finally got up to go potty about 5:30 and Alex asked me what was wrong. At first, I told him that I did not want to talk about it. Then, I went in and told him what was bothering me. He said that he only heard her say that I could then that I couldn’t (which she mentioned later in the evening that she didn’t mean to say). He laid in bed and I sat on the edge for a bit. The silence was killing me and I was exhausted so I went to try to sleep with A2. I didn’t lay there long before I sat in the hallway and played on my phone. We didn’t say much to each other all day.

When #1 caused another problem, I grabbed all my stuff and left. I hugged the girls, but after the half-assed hug I got from Alex the last time I had tried to hug him, I didn’t bother. I had forgotten my phone and he brought it down to me as I was leaving, he squeezed my hand. It was the only moment all day that I thought I might be okay, but I know we aren’t. I can’t expect him to continue this way. Only seeing me every other weekend, if KD takes the kids when he is supposed to. I won’t ask him and the girls to be around my kids, I can’t really ask anyone to be around my kids. I will still try to see the girls when it works out, but only if it doesn’t make things harder for them. I know they love me and I love them, but is it harder on them to know that I am here and can’t see them much; or for them to just not see me anymore? A1 told me this weekend, even after having to deal with my brats more than once that she is glad she met me.

The ride home was silent for the most part. I had no desire to talk to #1 anymore. I told her what she could have for lunch and that I wanted her and her sister’s laundry put away and their room clean when we got home. It was while she was eating lunch that I lost it. Haven’t heard much from her since. She asked for help movving her dresser and help fixing her alarm clock, but that was pretty much it. She did ust ask if we could do something together after she is done, and I told her that I do not know because I am still upset. Again, she got an attitude with me and went back to her room. She will get over it.

I have all my homework done through Wednesday and half 2/5 of what is due Thursday done. I figure that I will get another quarter 1/5 of that done tonight at least.

I really hope that she realizes that life is going to suck around here for awhile. I am done. I cannot and will not handle it anymore. This has taken a toll on too many of my friendships.