Well, the Guradian ad Litem was approved and KD gets to have supervised visits with #1 again. We are not going back to a full 50/50 with her, but he does get her on the same weekends that he gets the other three. It is all still supervised by his mom at his house
The meeting with the principal was horrible. I always feel like a failure when I go into these meetings and he has a way of making it worse. #3 is on his last straw at school. #2 got the lecture that when he is with me, he is the man of the house and he needs to start acting like it. Then, when it was just the principal and I, I got the lecture that nothing will get better for my kids until I make sure that I am right with God. Like I don’t already feel guilty for all that my kids are going through? Really? I already know that if I had just stayed in my miserable marriage, my kids would not be going through all that they are. I know, it is all my fault that my kids are the way they are and that their “home life is a wreck.” Yes, he said that to me. Like I am not aware that our life is less than ideal?
On to the positive portion, #3’s teacher did say that he has been doing better about getting his homework done. #1 was one of three kids to get 100% on her last math test, I am so proud of her. Both boys are doing well academically. #2 is still having a hard time with math, but he is at grade level with reading and language.
At work, my supervisor is going to work on getting some of my tardies invalidated so that it does not look like I have quite so many occurances (absences and tardies). This will help in my desire to move up. However, until I can figure out something for the boys after school, I still cannot change my schedule.
My classes are going really well. I am getting good grades in all of them. I had a hard time on the legal grammar and punctuation test, but that was because I realized that I did not even read the lecture on it. OOPS.
I have made it through the first section of my LSAT prep book. My attorney told me that he did not even prep for it. He just went in and took the test.
I don’t know what to do about Alex, A1, and A2. The girls are taking not seeing me as much pretty hard. A1 called me tonight and asked if they could come over and I told her to ask Alex. He told her no because it was already 6 and it was a school night. She lost it. I have been missing them too, so much. The not knowing when I would see them next makes not seeing them even harder. I got #4 and #3 showered and in bed. #2 and #1 were watching a show and then were going to go to bed at 8 (30 minutes after I left). That is when the calls started. #3 spilled water on #2’s bed. #4 was whinning that she heard noises. #2 was yelling at the neighbors because they were being too loud. #4 wanted to sleep with #1. No one would just go to bed. I raced home. It was amazing. Within 10 minutes of me being home, it was silent and everyone was asleep. Alex feels guilty. I told him not to. I love his girls as much as I love my own. I am the one that feels guilty because I have not tried. #1 and I could have gone out there last Wednesday when he had them. I feel guilty because I was the one that pushed to meet them. I should have just left it alone. The girls would have been better off. I don’t want them to see him as the bad guy in this. He has done this for them. He does everything for them. Those girls are his world. That is one of the things I love so dearly about him, his love for his girls.
I told him today that he does not understand how high he has raised the bar for what I want. I love that he has goals, he has a
job career, he is smart, he is kind, he is loving, he is dedicated, he is honest, he is fun-loving, he is gorgeous, he loves his girls, he has high standards for them and himself, he is amazing in bed, he is caring, his smile lights up the room, he is genuine, he listens, he cares, he makes me laugh, he makes me smile wtihout even being with me, he wants those around him to be happy, his touch gives me goosebumps, he still cares about both of his exwives and still treats them with respect, my kids like and respect him, and so many other things.
I don’t want to let go because I am afraid that I will never find that again. I am afraid that I will lose his friendship. I am being selfish. I am trying not to be. I really want him and the girls to be happy. They deserve to be happy. Isn’t that waht it means to love someone? Wanting them to be happy, even if it hurts you? That is what I want. I want him to find the woman that him and the girls deserve to have.