A Little Bit Stronger. That is how I should be every single day. However, I am not getting stronger. At least I don’t feel like it. I guess I look at my phone less often, sometimes. No less of me still loves him. No less of me hopes that something will change.
Last night, #3, #4, and I met Alex and the girls at Chuck E. Cheese for a little while. The kids had fun. Afterward, we went back to Alex’s for a little bit. It was nice to be able to snuggle the girls, but it wasn’t near long enough. It felt awkward.
I just feel so lost and alone lately. KD finally called the kids tonight, it is the first time all week. I am pretty sure the only reason he called was to try to score brownie points with the kids by purchasing something from the school’s auction tonight. He asked to talk to me when the kids were done. Then he proceeded to argure with me about whether or not #1 could go on her field trip. Normally, I would have texted or called Alex just so I could hear his voice to comfort me and calm me down, but he doesn’t want to deal with it.
He doesn’t want anything to do with my kids. He told me that he’s not sure why I haven’t told him to hit the road. Part of me wants to. I am a package deal, all or nothing. A bigger part of me can’t. I love him. I love those girls. I don’t want to let go. I have hope that one day things in my life will mellow out and we can be together. I don’t want to feel like a booty call. I don’t want to be his just for fun. I don’t want to suffocate him. I don’t want to lose them. I don’t know what to do with my life.
I feel like I have no one. I feel like (as usual) my mom has enough of her own crap that she doesn’t want to listen to mine. I don’t know when it is safe to call my step mom for fear she might have gotten her meds that week. I love my daddy, but I don’t feel like I can open up to him. I don’t have friends really. I have CE, but you can only complain to the same guy friend so many times. BFF will listen to me for about five minutes and then she tells me how much drama I am. That leaves me with the people at work and I am sure they are definitely tired of hearing about it.
I want someone that I know will listen to me, good or bad. I don’t need someone to fix things. I just need some one who will understand that right now life is hard and I need a friend. My life can’t be like this forever. I know that.
Today was rough. #1 and #2 were crabby because they didn’t get enough sleep at the church overnighter last night. #4 has been crying for KD every single day I have seen her for the last two weeks. Makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing. I know that they need KD, but I also know that they need to be safe. They are not safe, nor do they feel safe alone with him. He does not have their best interests at heart. I don’t know what he is thinking. He is going to lose them and it will be too late for him to make amends with them. I don’t want that for them, or him.
What is wrong with me? I can’t do anything right. My patience level has been so low today. #1 keeps pushing every button and I don’t know how to handle her. For that matter, I don’t know how to handle any of them. I did start the process of getting the boys set up for the Big Brother/Big Sister Program. They need a positive male role model in their lives and apparently that is the only way I can give them that.
I love Alex and the girls. I don’t want to lose them, but I think I already have. A1 came running when she saw me last night. A2 snuggled with me, but not like usual. I just want to go back to the way things were. I know that #1 is safer here with me, they all are. They are the ones I need to keep in my mind. They are the ones I need to think about, but I want to be selfish. I want to think about me for once. I won’t though. I have never been good about taking care of me.