I’m Fine…


How do you let go? I don’t want to, but I don’t think I am going to have a choice. I just don’t know how to let go when he is what I want. He has goals, he works toward those goals, he aspires to do better, he inspires me to do better, he is thoughtful, he loves his girls with all his heart, he has a job, my kids respect him, he has shown me things I never knew possible, I have learned that I matter (although not feeling it at the moment), he has taught me that I deserve better, he listens to me (so much that he remembers things I forget), and I can’t have him. I know I should be thankful for the time that I have had with him, but some part of me thought it would never end. I want to be in the girls’ lives, but how can I be around him and not with him? What if he meets someone else? I am so confused, hurt, angry, scared, hopeless, lost, anxious, sad, helpless…alone…

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I guess this is where we say, “I’m fine.” (How are you?)

Now more than ever, I just want to escape life. This is another one of those days I wish that KD wasn’t such a dick so that he could have the kids so I could run away from home. I don’t even want to be me right now. I didn’t realize how much I was getting used to the schedule we had. The break I was getting. I don’t get that anymore. I always have #1 and it is starting to drive me crazy.

I love my kids, but I don’t know what to do with them anymore. I feel so helpless with them. I used to have the kids that people would compliment on in public. I used to know that my kids would be the best behaved. I don’t know when it all came crashing down and I lost those kids. I didn’t even see it coming.

I just want to be loved as the package I am. I want someone who will help me figure out what to do when I am lost. I want someone to turn to when I feel helpless and the situation in front of me seems so hopeless. I want someone in my life that can wrap his arms around me and make me feel like nothing else matters because it will all be okay. Alex used to do that for me. When he is fully here, he still does. Like last Thursday night when he came over after he got out of class. I felt like there was nothing that could go wrong. How was I supposed to know that it would all come crashing down around me within a couple days? I just want to go back to when I knew that everything would be okay if I could just get into his arms. Who am I kidding? I still believe that.

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I remember the day I signed my leave of absence papers in November of 2011. I was scared, but I knew that I could get through the day if I could just get a hug from him. He is still the first person I want to talk to when something goes wrong. He is still the first person I want to share good news with. He is the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to talk to at night. I don’t want to let go.

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I know my kids are a lot to handle for anyone, even me. I know he needs to do what is best for him and the girls. Maybe one day down the road life will give us a better chance…

Well, I better do homework so that I can go to bed. I have a feeling it is going to be a long night.

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