How are you? What a loaded question. What’s wrong? That question can be just as bad. The problem is that you are not sure if the person asking really wants to know, but you don’t want to lie to them either.
When Alex came home last weekend, I felt like things were good. We spent Monday together. He stopped by for just a hug Tuesday after he got out of class. He was sending me sweet little messages at work and on my phone. Thursday night, he spent the night at my place. Friday all eight of us had dinner and watched a movie together. He even invited us over yesterday. Then last night came and all of a sudden we are back to “I can’t handle it.” “I’m sorry that I can’t be enough, that I can’t be strong enough. I can’t handle all the kids. The ball is in your court” is the last text I got last night. I responded to him every time something came to my mind.
I just don’t know what to do. I love him and want him happy. I even told him, “The kids overwhelm you and you don’t know what to do about it. You want me, just not all that it entails. You love me, you love us, you just can’t get past my four kids.” I was not holding anything back last night.
Was texting with friend after Alex went to sleep and realized that not even a Mike’s hard lemonade and chocolate chips were helping. In fact, I even said that to CE. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, but I didn’t know where to start.
I resent KD for all that he has done to steal my happiness. I was never supposed to be in this position. I was supposed to live happily ever after. I used to have the well-behaved kids that got compliments when we were out.
Sitting in church, half listening to the sermon and realize he is talking about worry. Go figure.
Started the process of applying for law school this week. Registered with the LSAC. Filled out the fee waiver. Found out that the local law school has a joint program with another local university in which I could get my MSW and my JD at the same time if accepted to both programs and the dual program. Alex started the process of applying to get his Masters in Adult Education. I am so proud of him. His goals and motivation are so attractive to me.
I feel so much anger in my heart. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel stuck. I feel alone. I feel afraid. I feel unloved. I feel like a failure.
How are you? What’s wrong? Would you answer those questions honestly?