All alone…


I have spent the last 24 plus hours trying to keep busy and distract myself from my lonliness. I was doing a fairly good job until a couple of hours ago. This week has been rough and not quite what I expected it to be. It did have some high points.

Alex left town for the weekend yesterday. I didn’t even know what direction he was going until I started getting the random texts saying that he was still alive. I found out that he was headed to the ocean. I can say without hesitation that I was jealous. We have been talking about headed to the ocean for the last year, it just hasn’t happened. Instead, life has happened.

I ended up meeting up with a couple friends. It was nice to sit and talk and not worry about what I was saying. The first friend was actually one of my mom’s best friends. The other one was an old friend that I used to work with, CE. CE has always been a great friend. We sat, had a few drinks, and talked. Well, mostly I talked and he listened. We closed down the bar and I came home and went to sleep. Definitely looking forward to sleeping in, something I rarely get to truely do.

Alex called me at like 8:45 this morning. He knew what time I got home. He said that he just wanted to talk to me. That may be, but I also think that he wanted to be a butt.

I wish I knew what was going on between us. I know I love him. I know I love his girls. I know he “knows” he could never handle six kids. I know that when things are good, things are good. I keep trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time, but it is hard when I feel like I can’t even read him anymore. Yesterday, he was all about texting me and calling me, telling me not to forget that I’m his; today, he was back to seeming a million miles away.

I have felt so alone lately. I have no real friends. I have the people at work, but they are more like aquaintances. BFF doesn’t talk to me and when she does, I feel like I have to sensor what I say to her. I feel like I am walking on egg shells lately with Alex.

I know that we have both been on edge for some time. That is why, no matter how much I miss him and wish I was with him, I am glad that he went on this trip. He needed a good weekend to himself.

Sitting here watching Medium on Netflix. Sometimes, I wish I could have the inside information. I wish I could hear his voice. I wish he still texted me first thing in the morning and last thing before he went to bed like he used to.

I am quickly approaching my 30th birthday. Will it go by without event? Will anyone make a big deal about it? My prediction is that it will go by as crappy as last year. I start it with a final and Alex has class the next day.

I know I am rambling again and I am sorry. I just keep typing whatever comes to my mind.

In fact, I am considering runnning away from home in a couple weeks. I will get some money put away, talk to a friend that has passed the background check about watching Jeanna and getting her from the bus on that Friday and maybe to the bus on the next Monday, talk to KD and tell him that I would like him to just take the kids to daycare that Monday and I will get them after school. Then, I will just go. I don’t know where. Oh, who am I kidding, I probably won’t go anywhere. I am not one to do something like that alone.

Well, I have three girls who will be expecting breakfast in the morning so I should probably head to bed since it is almost 11:40.

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5 thoughts on “All alone…

  1. You made it! One weekend at a time. My favorite thing to do when I run away from home is movies and a pedicure, or massage, those are things I realized I can do and not feel self self-conscious about being alone.

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