Thinking without acting? Or acting without thinking? Both are bad


Well, that pretty much sums up this weekend and today. Act without thinking? Definitely did that yesterday. Think without acting? Yep, that too. Well, at least I know where most of my problems came from.

Sitting at Alex’s this afternoon, I wanted to run to him and just hold him. Instead, I got a half-hearted two second hug. I wanted to tell him how sorry I am for overreacting.

I finally got a real hug from him. I also made him look at me before I left. I told him I am sorry for overreacting, but I am still here and I still love him. There is not much else I can say to him at this point and I know that.

I may have packed up my stuff, but I did try to leave him some reassurance. I left him a sticky note on the bottom of his mouse that said “I love you.” I left a stcky note under his pajammas that said “Thinking of you.” I also sent him an email to his work so that it would be there when he got to work today, but he did not go in so it will be there when he gets to work tomorrow.

Is it wrong that what I want right now is for him to show up on my doorstep and have his way with me? Or that if I didn’t have kids right now, I would be at his place waiting for him to get home from class? Guess neither of those is giving him his space. Like I told him last night when he accused me of just doing what I wanted to, I did what I thought he wanted because I want him to be happy, even if that means not with me. I told him that if it was what I wanted, we would all be a family. No, I don’t know how it would work, but I know that it is ultimately what I want. Eventually. A girl can hope…right?


Got a message from KD yesterday that his mom was sick and might not be available today. I just asked that he let me know by noon today. He did. So, I have the kids tonight. The only one that seems to care is #4. She “miss[es] Daddy.” He didn’t try to call them all week. The only time the kids talked to him was when they called him yesterday. How can you not talk to your kids for a week? It kills me to only talk to them every other day. She has been fussy since we got home today. She woke up crying about an hour after she went to saying she missed him. So, I put her in my bed, that did not help. I brought her downstairs with me. As soon as I sat down, she was out cold. Trying to decide if I should put her back in her own bed, or if I should just bring her to my bed. She slept with me for like three hours this morning because she woke up crying.

Pat called me today asking me if I wanted to go forward with the motion for revision, I deferred to his expertise. The more I think about it, it is worth a try. The sooner we start getting them used to full-time, the better off they will be and the easier it will be. The temporary order hearing is on April 2 (One year and one day since I left the house). I also think it will show CPS that I am doing all I can to protect my kids from KD.

Don't bite your to me

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