I was sitting here reading other blogs, trying to get some inspiration and help expressing how I am feeling these days. Then, I found this…
The positive outlook I try to maintain, the happiness I felt not that long ago, seems to have disappeared…and I’m desperately trying to figure out how to get it back. Constantly reminding myself of how much better off I am, doesn’t do much while I’m pining away over being completely alone…and I am alone…not that I wasn’t alone when I was married…but at least in times of crisis, I had someone I could turn to, a partner, not equal by any stretch of the imagination, but a partner none-the-less. When I got married, it was supposed to be forever…for better or for worse…I had the worse…too many years of worse…where’s my better? (http://endofamarriageandbeginningabetterlife.wordpress.com/2013/03/08/the-lonely-moments-still-exist/#comment-107)
I have been struggling with how to express this part of my feelings. Don’t get me wrong, KD was horrible, but I wasn’t alone. I know that I have Alex, but I still feel like I am losing him, or worse, have already lost him. I feel like I am starting to censor what I say to him. I don’t just say what comes to my mind, I start to think about whether or not it will upset him. I don’t like that feeling. I feel like I have to be on eggshells around him because I don’t know what will set him off. I am sure he will read this and it will start a fight, but I need to get this out.
If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that it is dangerous to bottle up the feelings inside because I become angrier and my kids are the ones that get it. I am trying to work on me and my kids and what is best for us. One of the things I need to do for me is stop hiding from my feelings and reality. I still have not restarted my antidepressant and for the most part, I have not had any problems. There have been days that I have felt angry, but sometimes one needs to feel that anger.
CC called me a while back and asked how things were going (because that is what friends do). He is a lawyer so I had no problem just rattling on. His only response? There is still so much emotion in my voice when I talk about the things that KD does. He said that it will be so healthy for me to let go of that and not let KD’s actions and words affect me. He doesn’t understand. It would be so much easier not to care if it weren’t for the kids. His actions hurt my kid and in turn hurts me.
It is amazing how things that seem so small can make such a big difference. For over a year now, I have gotten a good night and a good morning (text, call, or in person) pretty much every single day from Alex. Lately, not so much. I didn’t realize how much I expected those to come in. I wake up in the middle of the night and check my phone to see if he texted me. I wake up in the morning and look to see if he texted me. Every break at work, every chance I get. I have been trying not to text him, give him some space. It is hard. He is the one I want to turn to when I need a hug, a smile, an ear, a shoulder, when I have good news, or just something I want to share with someone. I just don’t think he wants to be that person anymore and that makes me sad. I think he has finally realized that I am not as great as he thought.
I am back to trying to give him his space. Well, sort of. I am at his place to do my laundry, but him and the girls are at his grandparents’ for lunch. He gave me a hug before he left. I wish he would just hug me like he did before our date, like he wanted to hold me and never let go.
I walked into his room to fold mine and the kids’ laundry and realized that he took the hook off the bedroom door that he had put up for me. That on top of him giving me my sweatshirts back that the girls had and everything else. I think he’s done, but afraid to let go. Every time we have discussed a break, he tells me that he is afraid ill find someone else. If he’s so afraid of that, why does he push me away? I emptied my stuff out of his drawers. I guarantee I’m not holding any emotions in right now. They are flowing out very freely. The last load should be done in about 25 minutes, I’ll fold it and get out of here, I don’t want to be in his way when he gets home.