Better than it seems


 

I could give you a whole list of reasons why I am glad that I am divorced. As a parent though, it hard to be alone somedays. I wish I had someone to help out once in a while. Bedtime. Mornings. Someone to decompress with at the end of the day as we relax on the couch. I doubt I will ever get used to the cold bed at night. However, the single parenting seems to get easier every day.

The hardest days are the first couple after they have been at KD’s house. Like this week. #2 was more withdrawn than usual yesterday evening. He was having a rough evening. Everything seemed to set him off. He ranted about just about everything for about 20 minutes last night. He finally mellowed out and helped me make dinner. Dinner went by without major incident. Everyone, except #4, ate without a fight.

This morning was a little rough. #4 did not feel very well and #1 was difficult to get out of bed (as usual). I finally made it to work, but I added it to the list of time I have to make up. I have been trying to make up as much time as possible, even if it is a little bit at a time.

Somedays I wonder if it will ever get any better, but other days I have a good feeling about it all. I keep hoping that getting the kids full time will help me to get them under better control. I hope that the less control and contact that KD has with them, the better behaved they will be. I know that getting out of his control has helped me.

I realize more and more everyday how much control he had, and in too many ways, he still has. He knows me well enough to know how to get to me. Mostly because he knows how important my kids are to me and he uses that as much as he can. I cannot wait for the day that what he says and does has no effect over me.

I have left the detective three messages since Friday and still have not heard back from him. I am really irritated. The one thing that I am guessing is that he was unable to schedule the interview with KD early in the week and I know that KD’s attorney was out of town for the WCC basketball tournament. I know that KD wouldn’t talk to the detective without his attorney. He learned that lesson already.

I know I should be in bed. I have been feeling exhausted in the mornings and during the day, but once the kids go to bed, it is so darn peaceful and I enjoy that little bit of me time before bed.

I am sitting here on my couch wondering how long Alex will put up with the way things are between us. I know that I am a lucky woman to have him in my life for as long as I have. He has opened my eyes to so many things. He makes me feel special. He has helped me realize that I am capable and I am important. My kids are important, but hereminds me that I cannot do much for them if I do not take care of me first. Sometimes, I have to remind him of the same thing, but that is what love is about. Helping each other.

I sent him a picture today. It was a picture of the side of a Starbuck’s cup from last winter. “When we’re together I know I’ll never fall.” That is how he makes me feel. I only expected a smiley face in response, but instead I received this: “You might fall, but I will try to keep you from landing too hard.” It gave me goosebumps from head to toe. All I could think was, he’s back.

I love having wifi at home!! I can type my blogs on a real keyboard, I can listen to Pandora, and I can watch Netflix. The only thing missing is someone to cuddle with. I suppose if I really need cuddles, I can go get #4 out of bed. She is always up for snuggling with Mommy. I won’t though. She needs her sleep.

She had a rough night last night. She woke up crying from a “bad dream.” I tried to ask her about it she said it was a “red monster.” That is scary from a child who has been sleeping through the night since she was like 6 months old. Even through all the changes, she was fine. I think not having her sister with her is starting to take its toll on her. She is the one I worry about most if custody changes. She is used to seeing him all the time. I know that she will be okay and that she is safer with me. However, all I can think about is the fatherhood paper I wrote for my last class. Father’s have a big impact on their children. The conclusion I came to with my research was that a child has better odds with a bad father than no father at all. I really need to see if I have a copy of that paper so I can post a copy of it. Scary part is that I think I even know where to look for it. I think it is in my email because I think I sent a copy of it to Alex to proofread.

Well, I think I am going to say goodnight, go make lunches for tomorrow (hopefully not forget me this time), and head to bed.

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3 thoughts on “Better than it seems

  1. Glad to hear I’m not the only one who struggles with transitions…. don’t like to complain, because as hard as they are for us, they must be even harder for the kids. But yeah … tough stuff. Thank you for sharing your stories. Great blog.

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