Fear. Uncertainty. Doubt.

Fear. Uncertainty. Doubt. Those are the feelings most prominent in me lately. I love my kids. I love Alex. I love Alex’s girls. Those are the only things I feel like I know for certain right now. 20130303-103325.jpg

So much has been happening and I have been so busy trying to deal with it all that I just have not had the time to post. I ended up at Alex’s on the 18th. He texted me to come out, and I did. I know, you’re shocked. The next day, I had court…it was continued. Went to Alex’s after work and things seemed normalish.

Then Wednesday came. This was the day of our Family Team Decision Making meeting with CPS. Just like the last one, it was KD, his mom, and his attorney trying to shift blame onto me. KD wouldn’t even answer a question without referring to his attorney first. My mom and my grandma were both there. Both of them did a nice job keeping their mouths shut. I was impressed. KD did agree to CPS’ action plan of not having any contact with #1 until law enforcement completes their investigation. He also agreed to have all of his contact with the other three supervised by his mother until law enforcement completes their investigation. The social workers wrote me a declaration stating that they recommend placement with me because of the safety risk to the children when they are with their father.20130303-165529.jpg

In all of the calls that I made, it was suggested that I call the YWCA and see if I qualify for their legal help. I was told that I needed to approach it from the standpoint of the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse that I did an still do endure from KD. I met with them, but unfortunately, I did not fall under their grant. She did tell me I could call her if I have any questions and she told me to see what her husband (a family law attorney) would charge to represent me.20130303-182320.jpg

#1 and I had a pretty good week. We had dinner with Alex Wednesday and Thursday night. We had a girls’ night at Alex’s while he had class Friday night. It was just me, her, pizza, and Netflix. We hung out at Alex’s all weekend. We had A1 and A2 Saturday night. GM took all three girls roller skating on Sunday while Alex and I spent some much needed time together.

Monday morning began my week with the kids. Since KD’s mom’s work schedule did not allow her to supervise KD with the kids, they were at daycare all week. School conferences were Monday afternoon. #2 is doing okay in most of his classes, but has a D+ in math and social studies. The math grade is because he needs to work on his multiplication fact memorization. The social studies grade is because he needs to work on his states and capitals memorization. #3 is doing great. He has a B- in math that could go up to a B or down to a C. This isn’t because he is struggling. It is because he consistently turns his assignments in late. KD had to leave before #1’s conference was a student-led conference. I did video tape it for him, but vew32mmmm[pp (this was #4 “helping” me type, isn’t she sweet) I just have not gotten the chance to copy it to a disk for him. She looks like she is doing okay. It is hard to decide if her struggles are because it is her first year of middle school, or everything else.

Tuesday we finally had our hearing for my contempt motion. The commissioner denied it. He said that in order to find KD in contempt, the court order must be clear and our parenting plan is not clear enough. As far as the telephone contact, 3 times a week (when I am lucky) is reasonable. Wow!!

I also met with the attorney that CPS asked me to meet with. Paula is amazing. She does not take private pay clients (county contractor), but was more than happy to answer any questions she could. She told me to try the ex parte restraining order because the action plan guarantees me nothing. She also told me to file it when our commissioner is on the bench in ex parte because he used to be an attorney for CPS. She also stated that she was surprised CPS was not doing more. I told her that CPS told me that they could not because KD and I have joint custody and so I am the protective factor that kept them from doing anything. She said they were wrong.

Then Wednesday, I woke up to #4 coughing like a barking seal. Really?? Took her to the doctor, but they said it is just viral and she would be fine in a few days. When I called my supervisor, she said she felt bad for me because I just couldn’t catch a break. This gave me the opportunity to try to get some more of my stuff for the modification done.

On Thursday morning, #1 had her interview with the detective. I liked this one. He was very nice and straight-forward with me. He said that since KD did not leave any marks and the bloody nose was just a trickle, not gushing, it probably would not be pursued criminally. He did say that the history would very likely come into play as it was considered. 20130303-211418.jpg

After the interview, I dropped #1off at daycare and went to finish the modification paperwork. By the time made it to work, I worked for about 2.5 hours. I was up half the night trying to fax a copy of all the paperwork to dickweed’s KD’s attorney so that I could show that I notified him I would be presenting the restraining order in ex parte first thing in the morning.

Got up Friday morning, dropped the kids at daycare, and headed to the courthouse. After sitting in the court room for what seemed like forever, it was our turn. The commissioner immediately denied the restraining order because the harm was not “imminent” enough for that setting and if CPS truly felt the children were in that great of a risk, they were obligated to remove them from his care. I explained what the social workers continued to tell me about it needing to be dealt with in the family law arena. He essentially told me that the social workers were wrong. If they feel the children are in imminent harm, not only can they, but they have to remove them from his care. I immediately filed my modification.

When I dropped a copy of all the paperwork off at CPS, I asked tomeet with the investigative social worker. Yes, I had already left a message for both social workers letting them know what the commissioner had said, but I wanted to talk to her about it. She came out and told me that she did not have time or me to deal with it at the moment and she would get back to me next week. I was heated. Essentially, she just told me that she did not have time to protect my kids.

When I left their office, I made some phone calls. The first call was to the office of a local state legislature representative that I have been in contact with. He was in a meeting, but his assistant knew who I was. He told me that he would be making a few calls and get back to me with some possible resources. 20130303-213410.jpg

Then, I called a legal aid program and went through their screening process again. Now that I filed the modification, it is a new case (even though it is under the same case) and I might be able to qualify differently than I did with the divorce. The lady told me that someone would call me back by Tuesday to see what the could do for me. The called me back and referred my case to the local office. I should hear from them tomorrow. I figure I will call them if I have not gotten a call by my lunch.

I also called Paula (attorney CPS referred) and left her a message about the hearing. She called me back and sent an email to both social workers, their supervisor, and the CPS attorney to figure out what their next step might be. She called me back when she got a response. They will be staffing the case and will probably file a dependency petition this week to get the kids out of his home. She also told me that if they do it this week, she will be assigned to represent me. I do not want to go that route, but if that is the only way I can protect my kids, I’ll do it.

Then, there is Alex. I do not know where we stand. I fear I have already lost him. I know the stress of my life is too much for him; even if we break up and stay friends, the stress of my life is still there. So, now what? He has been getting his migraines again. They mellowed out quite a bit when he move out of his and GM’s house. Now, I wonder if he is getting them because of me.


Alex has been looking at houses to buy for the last few days. I want to be happy for him and part of me is, but it is hard. First of all, I see it as a final jab from life that says we will never make it together. Second, I am jealous because I have no clue when I will ever be able to buy again. He is trying to include me by showing me the pictures and I do appreciate that.

I have not taken my anti-depressant in quite a few days. I am out of refills and am due to have it refilled last week. I think I still have one or two left in the bottle, but why bother if I don’t have the money to goto the doctor, or have it refilled? I guess I will work on natural methods.

Payday is Friday, but I don’t even know if I worked 20 hours i the last two weeks combined. I have about 1/4 tank of gas and might be able to scrape up $3 in change for gas. There is one friend at work that told me to let him know if I need help with gas, I just hate admitting that I need the help.


Well, start to finish, this post has taken me about 12 hours to write. No,not straight through, but still.I guess it is time to call it a night since I have to get up and try to work tomorrow.

First, one final statement, KD cares so little about his kids that he went to church this morning knowing that it meant his kids could not go. I seriously wonder where my brain went in 1998 and why it took until 2011 to come back. At least I have my babies.