Just breathe…


Breathe (Photo credit: PhotoLab XL)

“Just Breathe.” You have no idea how many times a week I have to tell myself this. I will admit that it is not always very successful, but I try. I cannot wait for the day that I win this battle with KD so that I can get the same smug look on my face that he gets on his. I refiled a motion of contempt yesterday because I missed a document when I filed it last week. Apparently our interpretations of a few pieces of the parenting plan are very different. I feel that “reasonable” telephone contact is once a day when I do not have the kids; he thinks reasonable is once, maybe twice, in the week that I do not have them. What he does not realize is that he gets to see them every single day, even when it is my week because he provides the childcare (most of the time) during the week, they have counseling on Saturdays, and we all still attend the same church on Sundays. I call his phone every single night that I do not have the kids. Then, I send him a text that says “Just tried to call the kids. Please have them call me.” Usually, I only do it once. Last night, I was really missing them so I tried again, almost two hours after the first time. He had the nerve to email and text me to stop harassing him and blowing up his phone. Really??

Don’t get me wrong, there are some weeks that I cannot wait until it is time for them to go back to him. However, it doesn’t take very long before I miss them like crazy. I do not care if we are ever friends, but we need to be able to get along for the kids’ sake. Those kids are the most important thing in the world.

I have the public records request in from CPS, but I am waiting on the police report. The modification papers are basically finished otherwise. I would just really like to have an attorney look over it and tell me if I am missing something. I wish I could find someone who would look at it all and say, “You’ve been getting screwed. Let me take your case pro bono.” So far, no luck. In the meantime, my exhusband is collecting state cash and food assistance for him and all four kids while I have to pay child support and half their bus fee. I still have to support them for half of the month. I just do not get any of this.

Alex and the girls were all having a rough night last night. The girls were upset because it was GM’s birthday and she had class so they did not get to see her. I am not entirely certain what was wrong with Alex. I know he hates seeing them so upset and I know he is frustrated with GM. When I asked what was wrong, he tried to tell me that he was just tired. I wasn’t buying it. I told him that this morning and have not heard a single word from him since. If he does not want to talk about what is bothering him, say so. Do not just tell me you are tired, I’m not dumb. He is usually really good about thanking me when I help him out with the girls, but he didn’t even say anything last night. I picked them up early from the babysitter, took them home, did their homework with them, did both of their showers, helped them with their present for GM, and tucked them into bed. I also made dinner and put the dishes away.

I went to bed at 9:00, but I didn’t really sleep last night. I kept waking up with a headache. Once I got up and started moving this morning, I felt better. At least physically.

I had a job interview yesterday morning for one of our animal shelters for an outreach coordinator position. I would be running and organizing off site adoption events and fundraising, among other things. It would be Thursdays through Mondays though. However, it would be a way to start getting me experience in the Social Services field so I am torn on it. I guess I will wait to see what happens.

I am torn on this petition for modification. The mom in me wants it so that I can protect my kids and give them what they need and deserve. The selfish part of me has gotten used to that break and is worried about what will happen with Alex and I if I get them full time. I know how he feels about my kids. They are too much for him. I am hoping that getting them out from under their father’s thumb will help me get a better handle on them. I do not know what else to do.

Alex has class all day tomorrow and then we have the girls tomorrow night because GM has chosen to go out with friends for her birthday instead of spend the evening with her girls. I just hope that we can make tomorrow night a better night than last night.

Tonight, it is just us two. We are having salad for dinner. I know he has some homework, but I am hoping that he has a chance to do it at work today so that we can have a nice relaxing evening. Some snuggling on the couch, a movie, maybe so love…keep your fingers crossed for me that tonight and tomorrow night are better nights.