I really wish I could say that I have not posted because I have been so busy enjoying life, but that would be a lie. I have not posted because sometimes it is easier to pretend that things just are not happening and I feel that when I post about it, it makes it real.
Well, my post Surprise Weekend Getaway hit with Alex. He invited me to go out of town with him this last weekend. He told me he was riding the motorcycle to Kennewick on Friday and then to Wenatchee on Saturday. Of course I said yes. We still spent all of last week together. I went over and had dinner with him and the girls on Monday night. I was planning on going home, but fell asleep there instead. I left before the girls got up. He asked that I be there when he got home from school on Tuesday night. Then, I ended up spending the rest of the week with him.
We left on Friday and on our way to Kennewick, he detoured to Steptoe Butte because he knew that I wanted to go there. All day Friday, I thought things were going well. Our room had a king bed and a jacuzzi tub, we went to dinner, it was great. I thought that maybe this was just what we needed. If only I had known the way the weekend would end.
On Saturday, I could tell that something was bothering him, but when I asked what was wrong, he just told me that he was hot. I knew it was crap, but I did not push it too much. I don’t think I really wanted to know, I was scared. When we got home on Saturday night, we cuddled on the couch and watched movies.
Then came Sunday. He got up early and told me to stay in bed and get some sleep because he had some things to get done. Then a few hours later, he came in and woke me up to tell me that breakfast was ready. Silly me, I thought that maybe whatever was wrong, was okay now. We ate breakfast and I was sitting on the couch playing on my phone because he was going to do homework. Then, he texted me.
You don’t know how much I don’t want to say this, that’s probably why I can’t bring myself to. Our friendship doesn’t bother the girls, but our relationship is and they need to come first. [A2] says it hurts her to see us hug and [A1] is having a hard time being here when it’s just you and not the kids, especially on [GM]’s weeks.
From across the room… I lost it. I got up, showered, and packed my stuff. I didn’t know what else to do. For that matter, I still don’t. Basically, the stress of six kids is too much for him and his girls still want Mommy and Daddy together. And he knew this before we left. Honestly, I thought I had done a good job accepting this and preparing my self for it, but I am quickly finding out that I am not ready for this and I am having a hard time accepting it.
I feel like I have lost my best friend. I feel like I cannot talk to him about how I feel anymore because I don’t want him to feel guilty for my feelings. I wouldn’t mind being friends with benefits, but I just don’t know if my emotions can handle that yet.
I just miss him so much. I miss us. I am hoping that some time as friends will get all three of them to a point that him and I can try again. He means so much to me, they all do.
- Surprise Weekend Getaway Idea (mominreality.wordpress.com)