I too am overwhelmed by me


I am not sure where Alex and I stand right now. I know that I fully overwhelmed him yesterday. I know that I have a lot of baggage that comes with me and the fact that he cannot help me bothers him. I know it bothers him that I have no quick answers for him about how I am going to get through this stage of my life.

So, on Monday, I got a voicemail from the new apartment owner telling me that if my payments continue to be late, they will have to terminate my lease and I have until Friday to finish paying my rent. I have given them $440. I have a message into my mother’s exhusband to see if he can help me. My mom also told me to call an old friend of hers that is like family to me. I am the closest thing to a kid that this guy has. So, later today, I am going to call him and see if her can help me. My paycheck on the fifth will be large enough to cover my rent for October. Then, I just need to work as much as they will possibly let me so that my checks are big enough to get caught up.

Then, yesterday, my new supervisor and her boss took me into a meeting and told me that my tone of voice on calls comes across as rude and if I have one more not great call, I am out the door. I lost it. I am glad that my lunch was scheduled for right after that because I do not think that I could have gotten back on the phone. I talked to my former supervisor about it and she told me how I can fight it. I will still be terminated, but my response to it will be included.

As far as Alex, I think that we need to sit down and talk, not just via text and email. We need to actually talk. I wasn’t going to tell him about the rent and what happened about my job because I did not want to stress him out, but I decided that I needed to tell him because otherwise I am going right back into the lack of communication that killed my marriage (among other things that killed it). I do not want us to get to the point that we cannot stand each other. I want to be able to be friends. I would rather get along with him and have him in my life than not have him in my life. I think that the hardest part of being friends would be when one of us starts to see someone else. I know that I want him to be happy, but that does not mean it will be easy to know that it is someone else making him happy any more than it would be easy for him to see someone else making me happy.

I can feel him pulling away and I wonder if maybe we should try to take a break so that we can both get a handle on our own lives and figure out what it is that each of us wants. If we are meant to be together, we will get back together. If not, it will be a better way to go back to being just friends than if we have a nasty blow up.

I can feel my antidepressant working again. I slept through all five of my alarms this morning and both of the alarms in the kids’ rooms. I was up watching movies and thinking on my couch until after one this morning.

Well, my long lunch is over now. I need to go back to work. I am sure that I will post again later.

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