I miss my babies. So many times in a week, I think about something that I want to tell them or show them, but then I remember that I can’t because of how long it will be before I see them again. Talking to them on the phone makes it worse because I know they are not actually talking to me. It also makes it more real that I am missing large chunks of their lives.
I spent Sunday and tonight with Alex, A1, and A2. It was nice, but sometimes it makes me miss my kids even more. I have a feeling that sometimes it makes them miss their mom more when I am here because it reminds them that she is not here. I love how excited they are to see me, I wish my own kids were that excited to see me.
This weekend was so full of emotions that I do not even know if I can list them all. I was happy, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, confused, lost, hurt, angry, and I am sure there are other emotions that I just cannot name. The kids had counseling on Saturday and KD did not show up, it was nice to not have to deal with him there. After counseling we went to Alex’s mom’s house. All the kids had a blast. They all played until it got dark outside and then they roasted marshmallows with his mom. #1 was even cuddling with Alex. I took pictures. Then we all went home. I was tired, but I was happy. Then, Alex was being text quiet so I asked him what was wrong…
Alex told me he was thinking about the kids, all of them, and I asked what about. He told me he was afraid of them getting hurt or of us just staying together so that the kids do not get hurt. I informed him that I have done that once and will not do that again. I learned my lesson with KD. My kids will be hurt more by me staying in an unhappy relationship than they will be by the break up. I told him to tell me if he EVER starts to feel that way. He told me that he already does somedays. How do I respond to that? I do not remember how I responded that night. I do know that I sent him couple texts before I texted, “night.”
I did not sleep much that night. When I did finally fall asleep, I did not sleep well. Every time I woke up, I looked at my phone hoping that I would get something from Alex. When I got up in the morning, I was tired, hurt, frustrated, in love, and overwhelmed. I had the kids to get ready for church and I think I did okay without even really yelling at anyone that morning. It was a hard day anyways because it was KD’s 30th birthday. Did I mention that at that time I could not tell you when the last time I had taken my venlafaxine was? I am pretty sure that it was a week since the last time I took it. That could have had something to do with my range of emotions.
I sent Alex a text when I woke up that told him:
As for last night’s conversation, if you feel like you’re only still with me wout of fear, maybe it is time for us to be just friends. I will always be your friend, I have always told you that, and I mean it. I’m not saying it will be easy to be only your friend, but I want you to be happy. I also want to know that you are with me because you love me and want to be with me, not because you are afraid of our children getting hurt.
Then I sent him this picture:While I was getting ready for church, I got an email from Alex telling me good morning and that his phone was not working. I copy and pasted my text and the picture into his email. His response:
It is not that. I have a lot going through my mind. I’m worried about all the kids getting too attached, I’m worried about us going too quickly, I’m worried about backing off just to realize that I f’d up.
I love Alex and his children. I want what is best for them, even if it is not me.
Right now, I am laying on Alex’s couch knowing that I need to go to sleep because A1 will be waking me up at 5:30 tomorrow morning.
I love being here with them. I love knowing he is right down the hall. I love the random texts from Alex. I love the random emails I get from him at work. I love his touch. I love that he talks to me. I love his kisses. I love his smile. I love his playfulness. I love that one year ago next week, I would never have guessed that this is where I would be today, but I am glad I am.