“I Shall Believe”

Since I first started this blog, my policy has been to type and hit publish. I do not go back and read it until it has been posted, and usually not even then because I am afraid I will censor myself if I go back and read it. Well, yesterday I learned that maybe I should go back and read it, or at least scan it, before I hit publish. I was so emotionally wrapped up in KD yesterday that I actually referred to Alex as KD in my post. Alex was kind enough not to point it out until last night when we were laying in bed and I was spilling my emotions. As soon as he fel asleep, I fixed it. I was going to write another post last night, but again, I hate doing it from my phone and I was not going to get out of the bed. I was really hoping that I would actually sleep. I was wrong. I think that between 11 and 7:30, I got about 3 hours of sleep, maybe.I did finally share with Alex how I was feeling, but it really did not help because he did not say anything to me. This has pretty much been the story lately. He says that he doesn’t “know what to do, think, say, be right now…” How am I supposed to respond to that? I feel like he is trying to push me away. We have always said that we would talk to each other, even if we did not think the other one would like what we have to say. We have both been really bad about this lately and that scares me. I do not want to get to the point where we just don’t talk at all.

I was honest with him and told him that he hurt my feelings last night. When we went on our ride last Sunday, we discussed another ride this Sunday that included a butte in the area where I grew up. I have been looking forward to it all week. Last night we were sitting on the couch and he basically told me the trip had been extended and I was not invited. That was painful. Today he told me it was because he did not know if I was up for a 9+ hour ride and that he “kind of needed some space.” I told him I “would have enjoyed it. Especially since I was the one that suggested it. Have fun.”

If I had the money and the trust in my van, I would run away for the weekend. Alex has class all day on Saturday and his ride on Sunday and I don’t have the kids. However, I don’t have the money or the trust in my van. So, I guess I will just hang out at home all weekend and do nothing. It is supposed to be nice out, maybe I will take my Kindle, my music, lunch, put on shorts and a tanktop and hang out at the park. I don’t know.

Called my mom this morning on the way to work because I was feeling emotional and needed someone to talk to and she seems to be my go-to for that lately. Spilled my guts and emotions to her. Got to work and was crying so hard that I sat in the van for like 20 minutes. I calmed down, went inside, sat down, started to log in, and started crying again. It was decided that I did not need to be on the phones and I got sent home. If I had enough gas, I would have ran to my mom’s, but again that idea was a failure due to funds. So, I hung out with BFF all day. Spilled my guts and my emotions to her all day. It was kind of a nice escape, to a point.

Now, I am sitting at Alex’s waiting for him to get done with school so that I can see him. I should probably go to bed, but I really want him to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. My favorite songs lately have been I Shall Believe by Sheryl Crow, F**kin’ Perfect by Pink, and Head over Feet by Alanis Morissette. It is amazing how one song can totally change a mood. Sometimes, I just put on F**kin’ Perfect and my attitude is completely different.

Have been arguing with KD all day via email. Between his weekends, Labor Day, and his birthday, I feel like I am missing a big chunk of time with the kids. So, I asked KD if I could have a few hours with the kids on this Saturday. He offered for me to keep them from 1:00 PM on Saturday until 11:15 AM on Sunday. First, I told him that I did not want to take the time away from their planned weekly time with his parents because this is what they have done for years. He repeated that I could have them for the whole time, or not all. So, I told him that I did not plan to go to church so I would just drop them off when the service started. He said no, all or none. This was how I responded…

And you wonder why I wanted a divorce in the first place? I am tired of your my way or the highway routine. We need to be able to compromise on things if we are going to what is best for our children.

I just have no desire to go to church and listen to them make me feel guilty while I get the funny looks from everyone. I know that I need to work on my faith, but I do not understand how I can keep getting piled with so much s**t if there is a higher power that supposedly loves me so much.

Then, I got a call from #1 just before 6:00 telling me that she had missed the bus after volleyball and could not get ahold of KD. I grabbed BFF’s car and headed to the school. On my way, I texted KD to let him know. He told me that he would get her. I said that was fine, but I was almost to the school and so I would sit there with her until he got there. He called me on the phone and threatened me with a contempt of court and threatened to call the cops because it is his week and I have no business being there. I told him that it does not matter who’s week it is, if that parent cannot be gotten in touch with, it is the other parent’s responsibility to take care of it. As soon as he got to the school, I got in the car and left because my job was done.

Well, I guess it is about time for me to be done with this now and relax on the couch. I think I am going to cue up a tv show on Netflix, or see if there is anything on tv to watch and work on #2’s blanket. His is the last of the four and then I can start on the blankets for A1 and A2.



Don't bite your tongue...talk to me

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