Emotionally Spent

I know that keeping you in the loop has not been my strong suit lately. Sorry. I know that I need to write more, for my own sake, but it seems more like a chore than therapy when I try to do it from my phone and I don’t have a computer of my own, so we will all get over the fact that I am not very good at this.

I have been having a a really hard time lately, mostly emotionally. I am feeling overwhelmed again. Finances are a big part of that. This week, I am working my rear off trying to get as many hours as I possibly can in so that I might be able to start getting to a point that I can handle my life financially. So far, I have worked 27 hours and I still have 2 full work days left. In addition, I also got 6 hours of holiday pay. This means that I should have at least a couple of overtime hours on my next check. This is not a ton, but it will be a concept to have a check that is actually my full hours. I am overjoyed, now if only I can continue it.

Then we have the fact that I am actually
grieving my marriage now. I do not regret my decision, but I do realize that KD has been a part of my life for almost half of my life. In a week and a half, KD will turn 30 and it will be the first birthday since he turned 16 that I will not be helping him celebrate it. I miss some of the good times between us. I do not miss them enough to go back to him, but it would be nice to actually be able to talk to each other, even if it is only about the kids. I tried to call him last night. I figured that I would offer for the kids and I to take him to lunch for his birthday. I will not ask him via text because I do not trust him with that via text. He refused to answer the phone. I wanted to tell him to kiss my a**, but I didn’t.

English: Jump! Deutsch: Spring!

I have completely been in an emotional funk the last few days and I cannot place my finger exactly on why. Alex keeps asking me if I am okay and I tell him yes because I can’t even explain to myself what is wrong let alone try to explain it all to him.

I am scared that me, my kids, and our baggage will always be too much for Alex. I am also afraid that I will never be good enough for him, A1, and A2. I love them all, but I am so scared that I will let all 7 of the people closest to me down. I am afraid I will fail them. I know that I will always have to compete with GM. I will never be her and I will always be afraid that she will wake up and realize what she lost and he will go back to her. He tells me that he loves me and wants me, but he has been just as distant as I have been. I am not the only one that is being emotionally distant over the last couple of weeks. I am so afraid that he is just going to pull away from me. I would hate to lose his friendship. I already feel like we have lost some of what we had because we do not talk to eachother the way we used to.

Do you know those days where you feel like you should have never gotten out of bed? That is how I am feeling today. I locked my keys in my van when I went on my break. Alex is the only one that can help me and he is having dinner with GM and the girls because today was the girls’ first day of school and that is what they “have always done.” So, I guess, I will go back into work and clock back on. If I have to be here, I may as well get paid for it.

One thought on “Emotionally Spent

  1. It is not easy to start the next chapter after sharing so much time with one person. I was with my ex from 16 to 32 and it just now, 3 years out, doesn’t feel weird to not celebrate milestones with him. Be patient with yourself. It takes time to mourn the loss and time to be ready to open up again.

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