This is another one of those days that I have no idea where to start. So forgive me if I go in circles and jump around. #1, #2, and #3 started school today. My “baby” girl started middle school. I took the day off from work so that I could take them and so I can pick them up after school today. When I picked them up from KD last night, he would not even let them bring their backpacks with them. His excuse was that he was going to meet us out there this morning so he might as well just bring the backpacks with him. That might not have been a problem if I could have guaranteed that he would have been on time. #1 was supposed to start at 8:20, so she should have been in her class by 8:05 or 8:10. KD did not even get there until 8:15. Seriously! I only remebered to get a picture of one of the kids this morning. We did get it straightened out that #4 will be able to start preschool and the big three will be able to ride the bus, but that will cost us each just over $100 a month for the school year, and now I have to get her school supplies. I guess I should not complain about that because KD did get all the school supplies for the older three, despite my multiple offers to work together on getting them.
Then there is Alex. I just don’t know what is going on with us. Things have been going really well. He even brought up getting a place big enough for all of us. I told him that the kids are not ready for that yet. I also do not think that he is really ready for that yet. I love him, but he is not ready to have all six kids together all the time. Besides, I do not feel like my finances are at a point where I can have the roof over his and the girls’ head depend on me. This was Monday night.
Then yesterday came along and I am lost and confused again. I know that he loves GM and always will. He did not want their divorce. I have always known that. I just wish that she would admit that she has been seeing someone for over a year so that he can have that closure. Until she admits it, he will always have an issue when new “evidence” comes up. Like yesterday when A1 and A2 brought up “mommy’s friend” and the friend has the same name as the man that he knows she has been seeing. I know that I will always be competing with her and I understand that. However, I really want to call her and tell her to grow up and just admit it so he can get on with his life, with or without me.
I love him enough that it hurts me to see him hurt like this. Not to mention the way that he begins to doubt himself and us when he gets like this. I just really do not know what to do when he gets like this. I do not want to back off because I want him to know that I am here for him, but I do not want him to feel like I am trying to force myself into his life either.
We have been planning dinner for tonight for #2’s birthday for a week now. #2 asked specifically if we would be doing something with Alex and the girls for his birthday. All the kids know that we are supposed to do dinner tonight, but now he isn’t even sure if we will be doing dinner together or not. I have not told my kids yet that Alex and the girls may not be joining us because I did not want to deal with the attitudes before school.
I am sitting at his apartment right now with #4 so that I can do a load of laundry. I am sitting here wondering what to do about us. I know that I love him and those girls. I will do what it takes to make sure that they are happy, eve if that means I have to walk away from them. He has the girls this weekend and I don’t have my kids, but I am not sure if he even wants me around. I know that I have to put in about five and a half hours of work on Saturday and I am working from 6:30 to 3:00 on Monday. If I am not doing anything with Alex and the girls, I will probably work most of the weekend so that I can work on getting my finances under control. I have a ton of bills that need to be paid this month. I am going to do my best to make sure that my fianancial life gets under control and soon. That is one stress that would be nice to get rid of. I think that it would help Alex and I. Besides, I need to know that I can support me and my kids all by myself.
I just wish I knew where I stand with him. I love him and I hate seeing him in so much pain. I just don’t know. I want to be here for him, but he makes it so hard when he tries so hard to push me away. Like for tonight. I just want a solid answer from him about whether or not he wants us to come over for dinner. He tells me its up to me but the girls have to be in bed by 7:30, he has to stop and get school supplies after he picks them up at 5:15, and the girls want to go swimming. I told him that the kids and I will just stay home so we are not in his way because it feels like he is trying to tell me no without actually having to tell me no. I guess I need to finish this up. My timer just beeped so I need to get my clothes out of the dryer and get out of here because it hurts to be in his apartment right now. I just want him to tell me he loves me and still wants to try to make this work between us. For that matter, I just wish he would actually talk to me.