Blabbering is getting the better of me today


stress

stress (Photo credit: bottled_void)

Or maybe that should say blubbering….So much is on my mind, yet I am not sure where or how to start. Forgive me now if this post is a little bit confusing. I am just going to type as I think and not rearrange any of it. Sometimes that is the best way to get things off of your chest and out of your head.

I am sitting here at Alex’s computer trying not to cry because I am afraid I am losing him. We have had dinner together with all the kids for the last three nights and I think that he is realizing that six is way more than he wants to deal with. I expected this to happen eventually. Who really wants to put up with the overwhelming energy of my four kids?? I know that my kids are not the best behaved and I am trying to work on that, but it is a struggle every day. I wasn’t even going to come out here last night, but I needed to do laundry and BFF had plans. I had no change or cash so I could not even do laundry at my own apartment. It was originally Alex’s idea for us to come out, but then it was like he was mad that we were here. When we left last night, I did not hardly hear from him, except for a couple short texts and this, “I’m trying, I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I can” I didn’t even get an I love you last night. He no longer texts me as soon as he gets up in the morning. What am I doing wrong?? Do I need to back off and let him recenter?

KD is being a complete jerk. Talked to his attorney’s office yesterday and we scheduled a settlement meeting. however, when I picked up the kids yesterday, he told me he would not even consider a settlement until I got the van payment caught back up. Seriously?? I am 87 days behind on that because I have had to miss so much work that I barely have enough to pay my rent and gas each month. My August rent is still not completely paid. I am just hoping that they will continue to work with me. I need to pay my electricity, not to mention the fact that the payment I keep sending off for my ticket keeps getting lost and I cannot log back into their website to make the payment online.

My children keep complaining about having to go to their dad’s and I cannot do a single thing about it. I feel like I haven’t slept in days, but I go to sleep every night. #1 and #4 have a doctor appointment this afternoon for well-child checks. Oh goody, me, four kids, and KD. I won’t even have a chance to talk to the doctor without him present to discuss the divorce. I was supposed to give Alex $25 for my tire payment from when I popped my tire. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Alex has been talking for the last week that he was going to stay at my place tonight because he is back to school and will be at the campus that is about five minutes from my place. He just told me that he is just going to go home tonight instead. I am not mad at him, but I am hurt. I have been looking forward to cuddling up to him all week. I understand that he is starting to feel overwhelmed and needs that “downtime,” so I also told him that I would just meet him at the school to give him his laptop before class so he did not have to stop by before class. I just don’t want to overwhelm him anymore than he already is. I don’t want to lose him, A1, and A2. I will do almost anything to make sure that I do not lose them. Even if that means backing away for awhile.

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Just got a call from my dad. He got a promotion. He will be inspecting the new capital bridges and part of his territory will be around here. That means I may get to see him more. That would be nice because I feel so alone right now. I do have a meeting with an attorney tomorrow to discuss limited representation. We will see how that goes.

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