Sitting at the computer, finishing my cup of coffee, and trying to mentally prepare myself for this motion hearing today. When I filed the motion, I thought it would be simple. I should have known better. In KD’s response, he is asking to go from our shared custody to full custody when school starts. I know that there is no basis for this, but it still scares the crap out of me. I just cannot imagine my kids having to be with him more than they already are. When we started this, I had every intention of sharing custody. However, as this continues, I have decided that it is time to talk to all of the professionals involved and go for full custody. My children have said too many things to me that make me worry about them every single time I drop them off with him.

I love Alex and I want to be able to talk to him about this, but I know all of my court crap and KD stress him out. Last night, I would have really liked to have been able to sit and talk to him about it all, but every time I started to talk about it, it seemed like he clammed up and tried to change the subject. I know that having all the kids together this weekend was overwhelming for him, but I just fear that he is going to decide that me and my kids are too much for him. I just hope he realizes that no matter what he decides, I will always be here for him. I will always be here for A1 and A2 also. They need a woman in their lives that cares.

A2 almost broke my heart more than once this weekend. One of the times, she was cuddling with me and she told me that GM never cuddles with her because they don’t ever have time. It broke my heart because of how sad it made her. It broke my heart because I remember those feelings all too well. It also broke my heart because I am afraid that my kids feel the same way about me. I am so busy trying to make sure that they aren’t fighting over who’s turn it is to cuddle me that sometimes it is just easier not to cuddle with anyone. The other time that she almost broke my heart, she was cuddling with me and my hands were clsped on her tummy. I went to move them and she squeezed them back around her. I asked if she was afraid I was going to leave and she said yes. I told her that I am not going anywhere and I won’t let anything happen to her anymore than her mommy or daddy would.

I can honestly say that I have fallen in love with these girls and their daddy. I love the way that my kids look up to him, listen to him, and respect him. I also love the fact that #1 and #2 do not hide in their shells around him. They feel comfortable enough to be themselves around him and I love that.

Well, I guess I better down this coffee and go brush my teeth so that I can go down to the court house and argue that KD is being dumb about all of this. Wish me luck. I will be sure to let you know how it goes…



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