I know I should be sleeping, but sleep is the farthest thing from my mind right now. I feel so lost. The divorce is taking its toll on me again. Life is taking its toll on me again. I feel so alone so much of the time. I wish I was seeing the counselor on a regular basis still. At least when I was meeting with her once a week, I felt like I was getting some of it out. I am glad that Alex and I will be seeing her this week. I think it will be good for each of us individually, and hopefully as a couple too.
Tonight was really hard for me. I feel like things are going well between us and then we get towards the end of our off weeks and things start to take a turn and I feel so confused. I am glad he tells me how he is feeling. It is better than shutting me out. However, I wish he would actually talk to me. There are times that I am not sure what to say to him.
I want him to be happy. If that means with someone else, then so be it. If we have to split for him to be happy, I want it to be in a way that we can still be friends because having him as my friend is better than not having him at all. Besides, when the time were to come when he did find someone, I plan on making sure that she keeps her eyes open to how lucky she is.
I remember one day when he had gotten in a fight with his now (officially) ex-wife while he was still living at home. We talked on the phone and he was crying. I started to cry as I was telling him that one day he would find a girl who felt lucky to have him because any girl would be lucky to be with him. Then I told him that as his friend, I would be the to kick her a** if she didn’t realize how lucky she was. I know I am lucky. I feel it every single day.
I am also scared for so many reasons and about so many things. I am afraid of doing to my kids what my mom did to me. I do not want them to get attached to a guy just for us to split and break the their hearts. I am afraid of getting my heart broken, I don’t know if I could trust again. I don’t want to be alone forever. Realistically, I am a single mom of 4 kids with a crap job. I can barely support me and mine. Who is going to want to come into that.
I guess, in the long run, I can’t say I blame Alex for not being sure about me. I’m not even sure about me sometimes.
I guess since it is 2:30 am here, I should go to bed. At least in my dreams, we are a normal couple who gets together with all the kids…