Wiped out…mentally, emotionally, and physically

I am so wiped out on so many levels and it irritates me. I just want to be able to get out of bed for once and feel like I am ready for the day. I have so many things going on in my life that I have no control over. I am super stressed about everything that is going on in my life. From the kids to work to Alex to KD to finances to everything else.

I know that I am not giving my kids 100% when I have them because I am so wiped out that I don’t have the energy to give them. I love my kids and wish that we had some consistency. I think that it would make a huge difference in all of our lives for them to be able to stay the night at my apartment. I would actually feel a little more relaxed and might be able to get some sleep so that I could be there for them more. It would be easier to get a consistent routine going too.

My paycheck was at a net of 164 for two weeks after everything that they took out of it. My checking account was already overdrawn from having to pay my electricity before they shut it off since I took over the past due balance from the house. My rent is due today, my gas light is on, none of my other bills have been paid. I am supposed to pay KD 10 for #1’s field trip and $15.73 for my part of the house electricity. I am almost out of pull ups for #4. Guess that means I need to work double time on the potty training when I have her.

Alex is trying to be helpful and I know he is worried about me, which is stressing me out because I know he does not need the added stress. He is stressed enough with school and his own issues. I know that we are both overwhelmed and going through a great deal of stuff right now, but I feel like I am losing him. I know he says he is still there and I am still here, but it doesn’t make it feel any less like we are drifting apart. I am so afraid that we rushed into things more than we should have and now we are both feeling alone by the changes in our schedules and how little we are starting to see eachother again.

We have a parent-teacher-principal conference today about #2. I think this is the meeting that they tell us he will be repeating the fourth grade next year. I think it will do him good. I think that he should have been held back when they first suggested it, but I got out voted, as usual.

I am so sick and tired of how KD is treating me. Someone asked if there was any chance we would ever get back together and I explained that if there was any doubt in my mind about whether or not I made the right decision by leaving, he has been reminding me every day over the last two months. Two months…seems like it has been forever.