Somedays things are great with Alex, but somedays I’m just not sure what to think. I am afraid I am losing him, if I haven’t lost him already. It scares me that I am so attached to him already. I am so scared I am going to get hurt and not trust anyone for a long time. I don’t want to become that person.
Alex came over and watched a movie with the kids and I, but I’m not sure how much he was there. It was nice to have him there with us.
I just wish that we could be together more often. I wish that we were at a point where we could do things with all of the kids. I also wish my kids weren’t so…whatever it is that they are.
Today, our text conversation was all about this subject:
Alex: Wish I could be there
Me: Me too. You are all welcome to join us. Sorry. I know you aren’t ready for that.
Alex: I need to know that they are and they still ask for mom and dad to be in the same house. I don’t want to hurt them our have them hate you thinking you’re in the way
Me: They will likely not ever be “ready” for you to date. All kids of divorce want their parents to get back together. If you wait for that want to go away, I will never be able to meet them. I am not trying to sound like a bitch. I do understand and I don’t want them to hate me either. But sometimes I wonder if we will always be where we are right now. Please don’t take that the wrong way. I love you and I want you to be comfortable with me meeting them for real.
After other conversation, I got a text that just said, “Soon.” I said, “Soon what?” Alex’s response? “You and the girls, maybe a little longer before we throw the whole gang at them. I’m not hiding you, just don’t want to hurt them” I told him that I know. We both knew that this would be hard, just don’t think we realized how hard it really would be. 😦 Did I go too far? Am I pushing too hard?
I’m willing to fight for this and put in the effort. This is the first time I have been treated with respect and like I matter and I don’t want to give that up. I love the way he is with my kids, the way he treats me, how much his friends care about him, how he treats his ex wives, everything about him, except how little I get him.