And it begins


Well, court has been continued until next Tuesday. I have no idea why, but my attorney is supposed to call me when she gets back to the office. I am even more scared than I was when I thought court was today. Now I am worried that KD has something up his sleeve.

Alex and I had a feelings discussion via text the other day. It started Saturday night when I did not know where I was going to stay. When I told him I was staying at my friend Chad’s house, he became worried. I told him to trust me. He said he does, but he does not know Chad. I told him to trust that I am not going to put myself in a bad position. I knew I was safe at Chad’s house. In fact, instead of making me sleep on the couch and deal with the drunks at his after-hours poker game, he gave me his room and he slept on the couch.

When I left church on Sunday (a whole different story), I got a text from Erik that told me that he was afraid to admit to me and to him how much he loves me. I did not respond because when I saw it I had #1 at the van with me. He seemed a little upset that I had not responded, but I did not know how to respond to him. I know he is scared, I am scared. I told him that I love him to, but had already told him that. We are both afraid that we are going to get closer, and then when we put the kids in the mix it will all fall apart.

A little later when I got home to the apartment, I was sitting on his lap cuddling with him and he lifted my chin to look in my eyes and told me “I love you.” Even now, thinking about it still gives me butterflies in my belly. Some of that is fear, but some of it is finally feeling safe, cared for, and cared about.

With Alex, there are so many little things. Like when he looked at me, randomly, and said “I’m not him. I’m not going to hurt you.” Or, this weekend when he bought himself a new phone and gave me his because he was worried about my phone dying. Doing laundry together, making dinner and eating together, sitting on the couch cuddling together just relaxing, knowing that he is just a phone call away, him enjoying reading this and me not being afraid to type whatever comes to my mind anyways.

Had lunch with Alex today and it was very nice. Now, I am sitting at the library with the kids so they can do homework. Not having a place to take them to do homework is really a pain. We had to leave the library because of #2 and his attitude. I guess I will have to pick them up after homework until I have a place of my own.

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